Apologies, of sorts, to the ghost of Charles Bukowski for the title.

One of my more problematic, if not exactly toxic, traits is my tendency to preemptively cancel an event in my mind if I think there might be a chance it will be cancelled in real life. And after Friday night’s conflagration, which my sweetie had the ignominy of recapping, I wasn’t entirely thrilled with having to add today’s guest recap back to the mental/physical agenda. (I was also elbow-deep in drawing a picture of Saul Bellow for a comic I am working on in which he, Kurt Vonnegut, and E.L. Doctorow sing "Fugue for Tinhorns" from Guys and Dolls, but that’s a whole ‘nother whackadoo vector, so.) As we are mostly aware now, however, today’s was a happy ending, and while there was much mud slung, fortunately our only slog today was literal and physical.

We began 50 minutes late with Carlos Rodon and his controversial mustache on the mound pitching to Gabriel Moreno, who singled on a line drive to left to kick things off. I am going to pause here and inform those of you who may not have been present in the GDT that an extensive and animated discussion of the Yankees’ obdurate dress code began almost immediately, with kilnborn’s rhetorical, yet genuine, question about when the Yankees started allowing "these really terrible mustaches." Mustaches led to beards; beards led to discussions about the moving goalposts that serve to define "professionalism;" and I threw in a mention of EuroDisney. Hence the title of this recap.

But back to the game! Corbin Carroll hit a line drive to center, reaching second and scooting Moreno along to third. Tommy Pham hit a sacrifice fly, bringing Moreno home and the score to 1-0. Christian Walker followed suit, bringing Carroll home. Lourdes Gurriel Jr. closed down the top of the first with a line out to left field, but, as it turned out, we’d already pretty much won it. 2-0 DBACKS

The best version of Zac Gallen showed up today, allowing only one hit, a single from DJ LeMahieu, in the Yankees’ first. After a gratifying strikeout of The Judge, Gleyber Torres flied out to left, and Austin Wells ground to first. And then, for the next three and a half innings, both Dbacks and Yankees alike slopped quite speedily through a great deal of mud and kitty litter, courtesy of the inestimable Yankee Stadium grounds crew, putting up a series of 1-2-3s. Yankee Estevan Florial’s triple in the bottom of the fifth was, fortunately, for naught, as Oswald Peraza, DJ LeMahieu, and Aaron Judge lined out, struck out, and were called out on strikes to end the inning.

The sixth inning proceeded apace, racking up 1-2-3s from both ball clubs, and then the seventh started to get interesting. Good interesting, I mean, not in the "may you live in interesting times" way, although I suppose as seen through the eyes of the Yankees fan I once aspired to be as a young New Yorker, the opposite would have been the case. Tommy Pham, Christian Walker, and Evan Longoria all singled; Pham and Walker scored on Longo’s single, bringing the score to 4-0. At that point, Carlos Rodon was given the hook and replaced with Randy Vasquez, while Jake McCarthy was sent into pinch-run for Longo. A wild pitch courtesy of Vasquez loaded the bases, and a sacrifice fly from Geraldo Perdomo brought McCarthy home, with Moreno flying out to second to end the top of the seventh. 5-0 DBACKS

The bottom of the seventh saw Ryan Thompson in for Zac Gallen, and while there was some concern from many of us in the Pit regarding his potential, and the possible, often-probable, negative consequences of Bert talking up his potential, Thompson delivered a solid 1-2-3, striking out Jake Bauers while Oswaldo Cabrera and Oswald Peraza both grounded out. Precipitation and mud intensified in the top of the eighth, as did the Dbacks’ action, with Corbin Carroll doubling, Tommy Pham singling, and Christian Walker strategically grounding out, bringing Carroll home and the score to 7-0. Emmanuel Rivera and Jake McCarthy were struck out in short order, but we’d done the business yet again. 7-0 DBACKS

Stuff and things got dicey in the bottom of the eighth, with various Yankees reaching the bags and Aaron Judge hitting a ground-rule double on a fly ball down the right-field line, but Kevin Ginkel was able to keep the Yankees from doing any damage, striking out Gleyber Torres and Anthony Volpe (Estevan Florial kicked off the Yankees’ eighth with a popout).

The Dbacks’ ninth saw Jordan Lawlar flying out to Anthony Volpe and Alek Thomas grounding out to Gleyber Torres at second. Fortunately, Perdomo got a walk and Moreno hit a double, bringing Perdomo home and the score to 7-0. Zach McAllister replaced Randy Vasquez on the Yankees’ mound, closing out the top of the inning with a popup to Corbin Carroll. 7-0 DBACKS

Luis Frias was in for Kevin Ginkel in the bottom of the ninth, occasioning a bit of agita with two back-to-back doubles courtesy of Jake Bauers and Oswaldo Cabrera. Oswald Peraza and Estevan Florial flied out and struck out, respectively; however, Frias managed to walk LeMahieu and Judge, bringing Jake Bauer home. Thankfully, Gleyber Torres popped out to Christian Walker, and the game was in the bag for Los Serpientes. 7-1 DBACKS, FINAL

Bells and Whistles, courtesy of Jim:

[Click to enlarge, at Fangraphs.com]
Grizzly Adams: Zac Gallen, +34.9%
ZZ Top: Corbin Carroll, +9.3%
Grigor Rasputin: Geraldo Perdomo, -2.5%

We had a very well-attended and energetic GDT this sunny Arizona afternoon, with the thread reaching 224 comments. Several of those comments went Sedona Red, but CotG goes to MrRbi17, whose opening comment is a great example of both poetry and creative manifesting:

Join us tomorrow at 10 am Arizona time, ostensibly, when Merrill Kelly takes the mound opposite Clarke Schmidt (okay, dunno who he is) and we, hopefully, put a nice, shiny red bow on this series against the now out-of-contention Bronx Bombers.

As always, thanks for reading, and as always, go Dbacks!