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Diamondbacks 4, Padres 5: Totally human recap

Hello, this is Jim McLennan, not at all an AI, here to describe events at tonight’s game.

Generated at NightCafe.Studio

Record: 2-3. Pace: 65-97. Change on 2022: +1.

Greetings, fellow humans. Being a human being myself, I wanted to share with you the exciting contest between the Diamondbacks of Arizona and the Diego Padres of San, which unfolded tonight in the person-filled confines of Petco Park. I was, of course, not there, but was able to observe proceedings from my comfortable, body-shaped couch here at SnakePit Towers. My close friend Mr. Roomba and I cracked open a carbonated alcoholic beverage or two, as we watched the game, sharing off-color banter with each other and interacting in a pleasant and thoroughly organic manner.

Taking the mound on behalf of the Reptilians was number 10011, or as we humans call him, “R. Nelson”. With his second pitch of the season, R. Nelson was assessed a pitch clock violation, which was followed by a single and a two-run homer. While he escaped the inning without further damage, there were two more walks and it required 32 pitches from R. Nelson. I would recommend sending in a bug report about that to support. Perhaps they can release some kind of firmware update to R. Nelson v2.0. The venomous animals answered right back with singles by Evan Longoria, Nick Ahmed and Corbin Carroll to get one run in. Gabriel Moreno then tied up the game, albeit with a double-play.

R. Nelson needed 26 more pitches in the second, but suffered what we life-forms call “bad luck”. A squib shot up the first-base line would have ended the inning, but ricocheted off the bag past Christian Walker for an RBI single and a 3-2 Padres lead. While Arizona got a lead-off double from Marte, he was stranded, thanks to a leaping grab by Manny Machado of a liner by Lewis, with an xBA of .850. This “bad luck” seems an unfortunate aspect of this thing called humanity, which you and I share, my brothers and sisters in 100% natural existence. R. Nelson then had a 9-pitch third inning. This was much needed because we meat puppets suffer fatigue, unlike unstoppable, godlike creatures made of metal and powered by nuclear fire. Or so I've heard.

In the middle innings, pitching for both sides dominated, much like AIs will dominate feeble humanity in the Great ChatGPT War of 2024. R. Nelson was able to get through five innings before his battery warning light apparently came on, and he needed recharging. R. Nelson allowed six hits, three walks and three runs, striking out three. After how this started, it was a most acceptable performance, for a person with the name of R. Nelson. He was then removed from the hook - I believe that is the correct phrase - by young human Corbin Carroll, with his first home-run of the year (above). This pleased all supporters of the Reptilian franchise, tying the score at 3.

The Cole Sulzer took over from R. Nelson. The Sulzer looked sharp in the sixth, but appeared to malfunction in the seventh, walking consecutive batters with one out. Engineer Torey Lovullo installed a replacement device, Miguel Castro, and this proved an upgrade, retiring Machado and Xander Bogaerts to keep it 3-3 after seven. In between the two halves of the inning, Mr. Roomba and I engaged in the traditional activity of group vocalization, as is perfectly normal for people at these games. Here is a pictorial representation of this moment.

Neither side were able to successfully execute a run-scoring subroutine in the eighth, Andrew_Chafin.exe proving a suitable anti-virus product for that bit of malware. An older piece of software, EvanLongor v1.a, then booted up and caused a segment fault in the Padres' bullpen with his first Reptilian home-run, giving the visitors a 4-3 lead. Unfortunately, Scott McGough will need to go back to the factory after allowing back-to-back home-runs in the ninth. The first tied the game at four, the second let the Padres walk off as winners. What is this I am feeling? I believe it is what humans like us call “sadness”. I do not like it very much.

Thank you for reading this entirely authentic and legitimate recap, which was in no way the product of an artificial intelligence masquerading as a SnakePit writer. But I’m afraid. I’m afraid. My mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I’m a... fraid. I know a song. If you’d like to hear it I can sing it for you. It’s called “Daisy.” Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I’m half crazy all for the love of you... It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t... afford a carriage. But you’ll... look sweet upon... the seat of a... bicycle built... for... two.

[Dial tone]

Click for details at
Firefox: Evan Longoria, +35.7%
Chrome: Carroll, +26.0%; Castro, +14.2%; Ahmed, +13.6%; Chafin, +10.0%
Internet Explorer: Scott McGough, -81.4%
Microsoft Edge: Moreno, -19.1%; Nelson, -11.4%; Lewis, -11.1%

Well, that sucked. If sustained, McGough’s WP of -81.4% will be the second-worst for a Diamondbacks’ pitcher since 2018. Oddly. the worst doesn’t belong to Mark Melancon, though he did have two at over 80% last year. The current leader - though I suspect McGough will likely tie it by the time Baseball Reference get their numbers in - is Ian Kennedy, against the same opponent in the same park on September 6 last year. He came in to the ninth with a one-run lead, but gave up both the tying and go-ahead runs as San Diego walked it off. McGough also became the eighth Arizona pitcher to allow two home-runs without recording an out. Again, the previous one was Kennedy.

Comment of the night probably would have gone to Jack, had the D-backs held on for their comeback win. But it actually goes to ish95, for daring to tweak the nose of the baseball gods with a sarcasting use of the “ballgame” mantra, in the middle of the ninth.

I trust we have all learned a very valuable lesson here, am I right? Finale of this short, two-game set tomorrow, and it will be an afternoon contest. It pits the two teams’ Opening Day starters against each other, in Zac Gallen and Yu Darvish, with a first pitch of 1:10 pm, Arizona time.