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Snake Bytes: Still Netflix and whatever

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We actually got the “Too many people trying to use your account” message for the first time last week. Thanks, SnakePit Jr and the SnakePitette!

Netflix : Illustration Photo Illustration by Chesnot/Getty Images

[Baseball America] Diamondbacks 2020 MLB Draft Preview: Arizona Continues To Thread The Needle - WEAKEST POSITION(S): Third base. Jake Lamb’s struggles to stay healthy have put the D-backs in a bit of a bind long-term at third base. Eduardo Escobar’s contract expires after 2021 and there is no clear successor in the system behind him. Top shortstop prospect Geraldo Perdomo is too gifted defensively to slide to third and doesn’t have the power to profile in a corner, while one-time top third base prospect Drew Ellis has largely disappointed.

[SI] Massage therapist owns five World Series rings - [Including the D-backs' one from 2001] He recalls going to Schilling’s house during their first spring training together, where Schilling’s four kids were making so much noise you “couldn’t even hear the doorbell ring.” Nua worked on each of Schilling’s kids before treating the pitcher. “You could hear a pin drop in that house” after the kids’ time had finished, Nua recalls. His immediate calming presence was the start of what was a prosperous relationship. And each day between starts during the 2001 postseason, the silver-haired, ponytailed Nua gave Schilling a full-body massage. “Mo Man has been pitching for 23 years and never ices his arm,” Schilling told Sports Illustrated’s Tom Verducci in 2001. “That’s good enough for me. After a couple of days with Russell, I felt great.”

[MLB Trade Rumors] How Worried Should The Cardinals Be About Paul Goldschmidt? - As a what-if, let’s imagine Goldschmidt hadn’t inked that new deal with the Cards and instead tested free agency. On the heels of his 2019 performance and going into his age-32 season, he wouldn’t have come anywhere close to five years and $130MM on the open market... Could something in the neighborhood of a three-year guarantee for $50MM-$60MM have been Goldschmidt’s ceiling in free agency? Teams are less willing than ever to pay a premium for anything below top-level offense from a first base-only player, and it’s likely multiple clubs would have been worried by Goldschmidt’s 2019.

Salt River Fields hosting drive-in movies for Cinco de Mayo - On Tuesday, the spring training home of the Arizona Diamondbacks will host a drive-in experience featuring movies “Coco” and “Three Amigos. The showtime for “Coco” is at 7 p.m. and “Three Amigos” will begin at 9:30 p.m. The movies will be played on a high-definition screen in the center field parking lot. The stadium is located at 7555 N. Pima Road. Admission is $25 per vehicle and tickets must be purchased online in advance.

And speaking of films...

Corona Zombies (2020)

Rating: D

Dir: Charles Band
Star: Cody Renee Cameron, Russell Coker, Robin Sydney

This certainly deserves points for the sheer audacity of the project, and for shamelessly exploiting a pandemic which, at the time of writing, has been responsible for almost 250,000 deaths worldwide. Will Band stop there? There’s all of history which could be strip-mined similarly. AIDS Zombies. Bubonic Zombies. Hell, why stop at natural disasters: should we expect Holocaust Zombies? But I guess that’s less fun than ripping your story from today’s headlines – complete with inserted news footage of Presidential briefings and partying spring-breakers. I can forgive Band all this: hell, I embrace the poor taste inherent in the territory of B-movies, from Ilsa, She-Wolf of the S.S. through Bloodsucking Freaks (whose director Joel M. Reed, recently died – ironically, from the coronavirus), even including disease-based movies like Ebola Syndrome. It’s the lazy and slapdash approach which is the problem here.

For those were at least actual films. This? Not so much. It’s barely 60 minutes long, and the great majority of the running-time is dubbed footage taken from other films. The main source is Bruno Mattei’s Dawn of the Dead knock-off, Hell of the Living Dead, known in the UK as Zombie Creeping Flesh, under which title it went onto the video nasties list. Its repurposing for this is somewhat ironic, because the original film itself made use of previous stock footage, dubbed to fit the narrative. In its new version, what begins as a raid on someone who hijacked a shipment of toilet paper, morphs into a search for a coronavirus cure, going to the source of the outbreak. Ground zero was an ill-advised attempt by “Scampbell’s” Soup, to produce a bat-flavoured variety for the Chinese market. That is, trust me, among the best jokes this has to offer. There are also clips taken from Zombies vs. Strippers, because breasts.

The new footage, what there is, has Barbie (Cameron) returning home from a trip to the supermarket, to follow the pandemic on TV, and chat to her pal, Kendra (Sydney, unseen and literally phoning in her performance). At one point, Barbie takes a shower, shown above – note she is actually dressed! – during which she is startled by a zombie that isn’t actually there. Is this all perhaps just a dream? This slightly promising avenue for exploration is rapidly discarded, in favour of more recycled footage which rolls out every coronavirus joke you’ve heard before. Did you know it shares its name with a Mexican beer? There are likely also some jokes you thought of, but decided were too shite to bother telling.

The heavily-condensed version of Zombie Creeping Flesh included here proved energetic enough to make me want to see it. I mean, how many other films have a zombie reaching into someone’s mouth, and popping their eye-balls out from the inside? However, I’m taking all the dire reviews of the full version under advisement, and the best thing is probably the Goblin soundtrack. Mattei was a big fan of theirs, but couldn’t afford to get them to compose anything new,so instead ponied up for the rights to recycle their work on Dawn of the Dead. Band, meanwhile, has already announced a follow-up, titled Barbie and Kendra Save the Tiger King. Once again, I can only applaud the audacity. However, I think we’ll be socially distancing ourselves severely from that one.