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D-Backs Potpourri: The Inescapable Void of Hold

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On things and stuff

Laocoon’s sons attacked by snakes Photo by Icas94 / De Agostini Picture Library via Getty Images

Seeing Zac Gallen pitch against Chris Paddack two nights ago was pretty exciting. We are living in a golden age of younger baseball players being at the top of their games younger and that pitching matchup was another example of this.

Seeing those guys face off was great, but imagine if you were a team that had both of those players in their minors system at various times. Two promising young pitchers, acquired either through the draft or a trade. True that there’s no such thing as a pitching prospect, but having more lottery tickets is better than having none.

If you had two guys like that, you’d hold on to them. You definitely wouldn’t trade them for an older closer or a toolsy-but-terrible-statistically middle infield prospect. No lunatic would do that.

If a team did do that, we would mock them mercilessly and it would be deserved.

No siree, Bob.


On that subject: Paddack and Gallen are 23 and 24, respectively. At that age I discovered and was commenting about Bob Howry or whoever on this website which directly led to you reading this Friday afternoon weekly column now.

It’s hard to say whether I or two professional athletes made better life choices at that age.


I called the Chase Field box office last week to redeem a ticket voucher my family got me for Christmas last year. The experience was overall pleasant, the person who answered was very polite and helpful and probably should be paid more money than she is (Greinke’s contract is off the books, you have no excuse.)

However, what was deeply unsettling about the experience was the lack of hold music. We think of it as some annoying part of modern life when you have to call for something, but being without it was downright creepy. Every minute and a half or so a voice would cut in with the standard “Thank you for holding, all operators are busy” message. They don’t have a jazzy, instrumental version of D-Backs Swing they can break out for this?

One possibility I’m considering is that they somehow knew I was buying tickets to a midweek matinee against the Marlins* and wanted me to experience what the stadium would be like during that game.

*I’m not telling you where I’m sitting if you’re also going to be at that game, leave me alone.


I don’t know if I’m ready for the potential of the Diamondbacks to get within a game or a half-game of the last Wild Card spot, then juuuuuuust fall off at the end of the season. I don’t know if I’m ready for the potential of the Diamondbacks to start falling off today and finish 80-82. I don’t know if I’m ready for the Diamondbacks to make the Wild Card game after a good run, then lose because a single game of baseball can be really random. I don’t know if I’m ready for the Diamondbacks to make a miraculous run into the playoffs, win the Wild Card Game, somehow get past the Dodgers, make the World Series, WIN the World Series, and the contact happiness that ensues.

Basically, I don’t know if I’m ready for anything. I’m not even ready for some football, much to the disappointment of Hank Williams Jr.


I randomly looked up a bunch of the younger GMs in Baseball out of curiosity (Hazen, Dipoto, etc.) and I immediately noticed they all dress like tertiary members of Vampire Weekend.

Apropos of that, you definitely should give many f***s about oxford commas


Sometimes it’s hard to write columns. It’s not something machines can do for you...


OR CAN THEY?!?

Using the website talktotransformer.com , which has you enter in a prompt and then it writes if for you, I will have it write the next portion of this column while I take a nap.

My Diamondbacks hot take is if I wanted to pitch in the major leagues, I’d stay.

My Diamondbacks hot take is “Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain.” In other words, they have a team.

My Diamondbacks hot take is “I love to have fun, so if I get up early or late for work, I don’t do it.”

My Diamondbacks hot take is “Let’s be great and bring the A-Rookies. And be the home team.”

My Diamondbacks hot take is “I like the idea of having different levels if we have a tough day or if we go on a six-game losing streak or if in the playoff they want us to beat them.”

My Diamondbacks hot take is “Let’s play some softball, then go out for a beer.”

My Diamondbacks hot take is “If I want a break and we can get some work done, that would be cool.”

And one more – My Diamondbacks hot take: “My wife.”


Thank you for reading, as always. Happy belated Labor Day.