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Residents Rush To Taste A Giant Moon Cake Photo by China Photos/Getty Images

If there’s one thing the Diamondbacks franchise is known for-

“Maddening inconsistency despite a talented roster?”

If there’s a second thing the Diamondbacks are known for, it’s pushing the envelope on their concessions. From the D-Bat Dog to the Churro Dog to more Hot Dog Variants, the past few seasons have brought new things that could be on the Munch Squad segment of My Brother, My Brother, and Me. But now the Diamondbacks and their team of food scientists of unknown origin have outdone themselves with the DIAMONDBACKS CALORIE MIASMA. Includes the following ingredients:

  • A thick crust of Corn Dog batter, imported from a Pop-up Carnival in Parkersburg, West Virginia, which had to be shut down because a clown tried to stab a guy over an insignificant sum of money.
  • The crust is sprinkled with old bits of pine tar form old bats used by Mark Grace during his playing career with the Diamondbacks
  • On the inside, first there is whipped cream that would have previously been used for any member of the 2018 Diamondbacks who drove in a winning run from third with less than two outs in any game to smash in said players face during a postgame interview. Didn’t want it to go to waste.
  • A few large 50% off Pizzas from Papa Johns, a company that has had nothing but good press lately, don’t look into it at all, that were ordered using the DBACKS50 code.
  • Lots of bacon. You taste-philistine motherf****** just love bacon on everything.
  • Some lighter fare, copies of newspaper clippings detailing every Colorado Rockies division title and World Series game win.
  • The phone that Derrick Hall discarded when Dave Stewart texted him a proposal for a trade that would have sent Jake Lamb to the Korean Baseball Organization’s NC Dinos for, and I quote, “A really big spider.”
  • Veal. Look, the whole point of this food is to have some mild shock value, why not ramp up into “Struggling Morning Radio Show Desperate For Attention” territory.
  • Cilantro
  • And finally, without looking any details up, this is Keto Diet friendly, because a good diet tricks your body into consuming itself to lose weight while you feel like absolute ass for about two weeks straight. Sounds healthy!

The Calorie Miasma is available in section 400. “Wait, there is no section 400 at Chase Field”, ahhh, that is where you are wrong. Those pure of heart will know where it is... (it’s on the roof.) It will retail for $65, which is expensive, but we gotta pay for that new stadium somehow. How else will we do it? Blatantly over-exaggerate the economic impact that stadiums have on an area and make taxpayers foot the bill via ballot initiative or local government? When has that ever happened?