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Places to build the new Diamondbacks Stadium because we have to do that now for some dumb reason

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Because the whole thing is absurd, may as well lean into it

NLCS: Colorado Rockies v Arizona Diamondbacks - Game 1 Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

As you may have heard, The Diamondbacks and Maricopa County resolved their stand-off over Chase Field. What does this mean for you? Well, in a little bit you may have a new Diamondbacks Stadium somewhere in the valley to enjoy, as the current stadium, which is younger than every person on the Diamondbacks 40-Man roster, fades into the old folks home. When shady county-level governments and Billionaires who are definitely not acting in good faith clash, we all win the privilege of subsidizing a different box-shaped building to house baseball. Who needs Fire Departments?

Of course, since you can’t phase the old stadium out of existence and put a new one in its place (yet), you’re going to have to build it somewhere else. The team has been looking to build something off of Loop 101, near SRF on Native American land, but there are other places in the state that could be looked at as possible landing spots, in no particular order.

Surprise/Peoria

This was suggested in a Facebook comment on the Pit page on the original story. The slogan for this could be “Is Glendale too far for 41 Hockey games a year? WELL CHECK THIS SHIT OUT YOU BABIES! YOU SEE HOW BAD IT COULD BE?” In the real estate business, this tactic is known as “Wonderful Lifing”

Mesa

Look, people who live in and around here are who the Diamondbacks are trying to woo and cater to, so let’s drop the pretense and just do it.

Fountain Hills

Building a 2,000 seat luxury brand stadium could be a new frontier in sports, and this would be the place to do that. Who wants to see the occasional rabble, save for the occasional manservant bringing you Iranian Beluga Caviar?

Apache Junction

You build the stadium on the Ren Faire grounds and really lean into it, making a Medieval Castle themed stadium, complete with Turkey Leg-based concessions and horrific execution of the opposing team at the end of a series.

Marana

Want all the sterility of a suburb, but want whatever perks Pima County offers? Marana is for you. “But it’s one of the few towns in Arizona in the black!” they’ll tell you in a desperate attempt to distract from the fact that the train tracks are the only exciting thing there.

Flagstaff

It would be picturesque, and anybody who has ever lived in Flagstaff for an extended period of time will rave about how awesome it is (despite not currently living there.) Let’s reward this by giving them a Baseball team, so the “Person I knew who went to NAU’s Theater Program and raves about it, but doesn’t work in Theater now” type has something else to talk about. Another plus: Games could be attacked by bears.

Casa Grande

If you really want to be the team of the state of Arizona, why not build your new stadium halfway between the two biggest Metro areas in the state? Also, the stadium would really be a big boost to the Outlet Mall economy.

Quartzsite, Arizona

When driving to California, this is probably the last town you would stop at before crossing the border on I-10. You would not only have a lot of land to build on, but you can make a new fanbase of overly-rich tech company employees lost after attending Coachella. You would also still, technically, be the “Arizona” Diamondbacks

Yuma

Basically for the same reason as above, but you want to attract rich San Diegans

Tombstone

You can refer to high scoring games as “Shootouts” and then raise your eyebrows a little and nudge the person next to you with your elbow while saying “Eh? Ehhh? Get it?” Would be the first MLB stadium to both be haunted *and* totally lost in an eventual landslide.

Winslow

You, standing on the corner, and that girl, my lord, in a flat-bed Ford will be the only people in attendance.

The Dimension Beyond Time And Space

Accessed through a portal at a Trinket shop in Bisbee, the Diamondbacks could build a stadium where all people at once are at the game. Not just the one game, but every game ever at all points in time, coalescing into one as you reach a higher place of understanding. Think of the gate receipts.

Downtown Phoenix

In the heart of a large American city, close to other points of cultural and social interest, a lot of bars and restaurants around for enjoyment before or after a game. Accessible from most parts of the extended metro area. If a team built a stadium here, they probably wouldn’t or shouldn’t ever want to leave.