A Scientific Ranking of Arizona Diamondback Hats

The Diamondbacks are now 20 years old in “actually playing games” age. If there’s one hallmark of the franchise that I, personally, am obsessed with, it’s their tendency to wear many different types of uniforms. This wasn’t a thing that began with this new generation of unis in 2016, but has been going since the franchise’s inception.

Today, we’ll be looking at the 11* in-game hats the Diamondbacks have worn since 1998, and I will rank them from worst to best. These rankings are authoritative and just and not at all capricious and about my individual tastes.

*This is not counting hats that are camouflaged or stars and striped for major holidays or other promotional one-off gimmicks. Also helmets have widely varied as well, but to keep everything simple I kept it to just hats worn while fielding.

11. This Teal Beauty

This was a hat that was worn for one maybe a few more games in the 1998 season. It’s basically a palette swap of the main D-Backs hat of the time. You’ll notice that the “A” is purple, something that doesn’t show up in any other hats. My dad bought one of these hats, fo some reason. It just didn’t really fit, since the teal was more an accent color for those teams, and as I recall the uniform didn’t change any to match that, so it looked kind of mishmashed and weird, which is why it ranks low, but it doesn’t need to be forgotten to history.

10. The 90s Were Weird Part 2

This was the first type of Diamondbacks hat I was aware of. When I was playing in Little League around 1996, the league I was in had all their teams be different Major League teams at the time. There were even two teams in my level of the Diamondbacks and the Devil Rays, despite their real-life counterparts not yet playing an actual game. The Diamondbacks team wore these hats, (Then when I went up a level and was on the Diamondbacks, they wore another 1998 hat that will be mentioned below.) When I saw the first stills of Buck Showalter at a press conference and at Spring Training, I thought these were the main hat for good.

But they didn’t use it for long. White as a hat color really only works when it’s the front panel of the hat (See the Blue Jays or old Expos) But, again, it’s a forgotten hat in Diamondbacks lore and it shouldn’t be forgotten.

9. Bad Tattoo Idea Hat

The Snake-grasping-a-baseball logo kinda doesn’t work for me. (Grant Brisbee once called it a “Prison Tattoo” and I’m not inclined to disagree), but the hat is just... off when you consider the rest of the Diamondbacks current uniform palette.

8. The Red Hat Has Contracted Mumps

Whatever your opinion on the gradient-on-the-hat look is, I think it seems widely held that the Red pattern on the black hat looks better than vice-versa. The Diamondbacks seem to agree, and this hat hasn’t really seen the light of day since 2016. That also may be because the Diamondbacks lost every Red Hat game except one in 2016. Less of it in 2017? Wow, a playoff appearance. Causation always equals correlation, kids.

7. The Yankees Should Have Lost In 5

This was the standard road hat starting in 1999 through the end of the first generation of Diamondbacks uniforms. It was the cap worn during Games 3-5 of the 2001 World Series which were... harrowing. I think they made the D-Snake logo better when they introduced the next series of uniforms, but on its own it’s a fine, albeit a little underwhelming, hat

6. Black and Teal

Only worn on the road in 1998 and by my Diamondbacks Little League Team in 1997. It works, I like the Teal bill with the black, but it’s unremarkable otherwise. It at least tries something, aesthetically.

5. Diamond Pattern Delight

I know people are kinda down on the whole snake pattern thing, but I like it on this hat. It’s not the best they’ve ever worn (obviously, since it’s not on the top of these rankings), but I think it looks cool, and I personally own one and the pattern is fun to look at from up close. Real up close. REEEEEEAL up close

4. Red Snake

Kind of a simple classic, squished between two more ambitious uniform eras. The shade of red is just the right amount of darker than a normal one, so as to avoid confusion out in public.

3. A Steal in Teal

The teal accent over red can be a bit jarring, as that’s not a traditional color palette, but I think it looks good and sharp.

2. Saturday Alternate

High for the same reasons as above, but with the more traditional palette. This and the previous hat are just an affirmation on my personal belief that “Black Hats with that A logo look cool.” Again, this is scientific

1. The O.G.

Is this ranking more for nostalgia than actual aesthetics? Probably, but it’s bright, distinctive, has the good logo, etc. Oh yeah, it’s the hat that the Diamondbacks wore in the game when they won the World Series when the “Greatest Closer Ever” blew a lead in the 9th of Game 7.

Oh, don’t remember that? Let’s roll the tape.

Yep, that happened.

Feel free to debate my choices in the comments. You will be absolutely wrong, as these are authoritative and scientific, but give it a go.