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Project D.I.N.G.E.R

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From a top-secret dossier

Atlanta Braves v Colorado Rockies Photo by Dustin Bradford/Getty Images

(SCENE: A hazy basement somewhere in the Western United States. There are two voices, unidentifiable to all but those in the highest echelons of power.)

“I think you know why I’ve called you here today.”

“Yes sir.”

“The project has gone rogue.”

“Yes sir.”

“It usually fades away around this time every year, but we fear it may not stop.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Bring it in if you can, if not. Destroy it.”

“I can do this, sir.”

“Is that fear in your voice?”

“N-no sir.”

“Well, there should be. If you find you get late in the game and he just stares at you... Unblinking. Without a soul. It’s unsettling. We lost contact with Laramie, Wyoming that way.”

“Why... Why did you make this project?”

“It was a lark. We found some bones in Colorado, thought it would be fun. It’s been mostly harmless to this point, never actually ascending to the top. Never at the top of its division. Ever. People may not know that. But now...”

“Now?”

“Now there’s a danger. Its pitching mechanism always has a chance of going out, but so long as is in home territory, it’s a threat, and we already got our hands full with the Los Angeles problem.”

“What else do you need me to know?”

“If you don’t accomplish this within three weeks, we will abort the mission and disavow everything. Do not fail us. Reclaim Project D.I.N.G.E.R”

“That is an incredibly stupid and forced acronym.”

“It’s an incredibly stupid and forced mascot.”

“Touche’”