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On the tenth day of D-backsmas, Ken Kendrick gave to me...

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Happy New Year!

Members of The House of Lords jump beside Lord Coe (3rd R), Chair of London's Olympic bid, during a photocall in London 15 December 2004.
ADRIAN DENNIS/AFP/Getty Images

Another day, another tie, though neither quite managed to push through and become Sedona Red, both falling just short with three recs. Michael attempted to win his second consecutive day with “Nine painful innings”, while Xerostomia offered up, “Nine Dback Corn Dogs”. Given that it’s New Year’s Day, traditionally a time for looking forward in hope, the judging panel decided to take the optimistic route, and so stanza number nine goes to Xerostomia:

Nine D-back Corn Dogs

But perhaps we can tie it together with Michael’s suggestion. There’s a thing called the “999 Challenge”, whose goal is to consume nine beers and nine hot-dogs in nine innings of baseball. There’s even a website, complete with official rules, e.g. “Hot dog AND BUN must be consumed,” though I was pleased to see that the site forbids any attempt at a Little League game... Standards, people! But it strikes me that the nuclear version of this challenge would be to consume nine beers and nine of the dreaded D-bat corn dogs [which is what I presume Xerostomia meant] in a game. I think that would almost certainly result in “Nine painful innings.” Particularly the last couple.

I mean, I’ve seen those things. One is a challenge. Two would be a chore. More than that? Well, let’s just say, since each single D-bat dog, with the fries, contains close to 50% more than your recommended daily intake of calories, at 3,000, you’d better make sure you have a very good health insurance plan. And a sponsor, since the 999 Challenge would set you back over two hundred dollars. Relatively speaking, the 2015 Churro Dog, at only 1,117 calories, would be the Diet Dog, offering a healthy option in comparison [though probably not in terms of elevating your blood sugar]. It might even be a somewhat more plausible - and, at $76.50, considerable cheaper - candidate for the 999 Challenge.

After getting a lot of media coverage in 2014 for the D-bat Dog, then again in 2015 for the Churro Dog, it seemed this year was more restrained, and perhaps in an omen of things to come, largely ignored. The signature item introduced this year was a Cheeseburger Dog, which was “Made from char-grilled hamburgers that have been ground up and mixed with chopped smoked bacon, dill pickles, green onion and Cheddar cheese.” But I heard virtually next to nothing about it, or any of the other options, after Opening Day. Googling just now found one review, and that was about it. Mind you, there’s arguably something to be said in favor of creating genuine food items fans can enjoy, rather than things which are little more than monstrous gimmicks. We’ll see which way the mad scientists at Levy’s go in 2017.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think even writing the above paragraphs has me reaching for the antacid! So, onto verse #10:

On the tenth day of Xmas, Ken Kendrick gave to me...

  • ___________________________ [Ten Lords a Leaping]
  • Nine Ladies Dancing
  • Eight bad relievers
  • Seven fans a'sitting
  • Six months of torture
  • Five division rings
  • Four robot umps
  • Three Miller wins
  • Two Cuban projects
  • And a catcher you can have for free!