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The Ex-GM Speakeasy

Where those who have controlled the team go to unwind away from the feds

Lisa Maree Williams/Getty Images

SCENE: A musty bar in the middle of the night. A lone bartender is cleaning glasses. A large man is standing by a door with a mail slot so he can see if whoever approaches can enter. A jazz band plays "Night and Day". Sitting at a corner table are KEVIN TOWERS, JOE GARAGIOLA JR, and JOSH BYRNES

JOSH: Here's to actual playoff appearances, gentlemen.

They clink glasses of some dirty brown looking liquor and drink

JOE: Feels kind of sad being here, us possessing previous knowledge and acumen before we got our jobs.

JOSH: Wasn't good enough for them though, was it?

KEVIN: Not that we weren't at fault for our loss of jobs.

JOE: I had banked everything on a World Series title and it all fell apart soon after

JOSH: I overestimated the strength of the team post-2007 when trading for Dan Haren.

KEVIN: I did, uh, lots of stuff.

They drink again.

JOE: Yeah, mistakes were made, but hoo boy.

JOSH: I probably look like the second coming of Billy Beane compared to these jokers

KEVIN: I made some bad trades in my time... But Shelby Miller? Yikes

JOSH: Hah, yeah. That makes all the stuff you did look like the Hershal Walker trade, but from the Cowboy's perspective.

Pause

JOSH: This, uh, would be from the Vikings perspec-

JOE: I think we get it.

There's a knock at the door, the bouncer opens the slot, some words are exchanged, and in come JERRY DIPOTO

JERRY: Hey guys! 

OTHERS: Jerry!

JOE: Glad you could make it!

JERRY: Yeah, turning a franchise around into a possible playoff contender is exhausting. You know, actually still being a GM and all.

KEVIN: Uh-huh...

JERRY: And having Robinson Cano and Kyle Seager in your infield and Felix Hernandez as your ace really helps with-

JOSH: Shut up and drink.

JERRY: Can do!

The bartender silently brings over another drink

JERRY: Woo, that hits the spot! Say, now that I'm here, I wanted to ask you...

JOE: Jerry, don't.

JERRY: How did you just give me Tyler Skaggs like that? And give Adam Eaton to the White Sox!

KEVIN: I thought a power bat wou-

JERRY: I was around when you signed Jason Kubel It didn't work then and it didn't work that time!

JOSH: Guys, come on!

KEVIN: You stop! I got your mess to the playoffs in one season!

JOSH: Yeah, cause I laid the foundation that *you* were able to take advantage of.

JERRY: Uh, me too. Remember Daniel Hudson? I also seem to remember "Organizational Advocacy"

JOSH: A.J. is doing just fine in Houston right now so-

KEVIN: I was able to bring some order to the rubble you created!

JOSH: You benefitted from Ian Kennedy having his only good season!

KEVIN: You traded him for Max bleep ing Scherzer!

JOE: Guys! Please!

JOSH: You stop too! You spent so much that the rest of us has to deal with Ken Kendrick!

KEVIN: He once asked me if I wanted to look at his "Honus Wagner" I considered calling HR before he meant that card.

JOE: I got a ring, right?

JOSH: What happened three years later?

JOE: Shut up, okay? It was a different time!

KEVIN: And you, pretty boy Jerry, how did Anaheim go for you?

JERRY: Shut up! You weren't there! You had to get everything approved by Mike Scioscia while he was being fed grapes and having manservents wave palm fronds. At least I'm not some San Diego reject

JOSH & KEVIN: How dare yo-

They're standing up now, the bouncer is about to approach, the band has stopped

JOE: Guys! Guys! There's a lot of blame to go around for why each of us isn't the General Manager of the Diamondbacks anymore. However, at least we all know how trades work, am I right?

They all laugh and sit down

KEVIN: Right you are there. Let's just enjoy the night.

There's a knock on the door, there's some chattering, the bouncer comes over to the table

BOUNCER: This guy at the door says he knows yous guys.

VOICE: (distant) Guys! Guys! It's me! Bob Gebhard!

JOE: Sorry, who?

JOSH: I don't know him

JERRY: Can't say it rings a bell

KEVIN: Sorry, we don't know him

BOUNCER: I'll see him out

VOICE: (distant) Bob Gebhard! Interim GM in 2005! Come on guys, let me in! I need friends!

-fin-