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Where Do the Diamondbacks Go From Here?

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With half of a disappointing season in the books, what is next for the Diamondbacks?

Chris Herrmann's lonely mask and glove symbolize the emptiness all of us feel.
Chris Herrmann's lonely mask and glove symbolize the emptiness all of us feel.
Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

With James already having provided a more serious look at what the remainder of 2016 holds for the Diamondbacks, I shall provide a more light-hearted look at what we can expect the rest of the season. After this post, I firmly expect to be contacted by Hall for more genius marketing ideas.

Marketing Gimmicks for Attendance

The Diamondbacks have never drawn under 2 million fans in their existence. I assume that ownership would like to keep that string going, but will be hard-pressed to do so. Current average attendance would put total attendance at 2,033,667, but those figures include visits by the Cubs and Yankees. Putting Goldy's bobblehead date on a big weekend, with a game against the Giants, was a mistake; the bobblehead attendance boost should have been saved for a weekend against a lesser foe. The two series against the Dodgers will be the biggest draws remaining on the schedule. So how can the Diamondbacks avoid dropping below 2 million? Here are some ideas:

The Babe Plays Every Position

On Tuesday, July 19th, the Diamondbacks should have Chris Herrmann play every position, for one inning, in order. No matter how bad the performance. If the game goes extra innings, he will take over as manager for the 10th, and move to the broadcast booth for any subsequent innings. In the unlikely event that the game reaches 18 innings, Herrmann becomes general manager for the day and can trade himself to a contending team for a C-prospect. As a bonus, the first 1,000 fans will receive autographed pairs of basketball shoes.

2017 Former Diamondbacks Calendars!

On August 1st, against the Nationals, the first 30,000 fans receive a calendar for 2017 with pictures of all the players who likely won't be on the team in 2017. Get your calendar with Brad Ziegler, Daniel Hudson, Paul Goldschmidt, and whoever else happens to be dealt at the deadline. Since April is the cruelest month (according to T.S. Eliot) I suspect that April will feature Dansby Swanson. The last three pages will simply be Shelby Miller laughing at you for thinking he had a chance to do anything good.

All Pets are Welcome

Tired of not having a place you can go to with your 25 foot Burmese Python? Worry no more! Your 2016 Arizona Diamondbacks have you covered, however, you are responsible for ensuring that said python does not eat anyone's chinchilla or child. Come and help the Diamondbacks set a record for most exotic pets attending one sporting event! First 10,000 in attendance receive free psychiatric evaluations.

(I Don't Want to Go) Back to School days

All teachers dreading the beginning of the school year receive three-for-the-price-of-one tickets to the series against the Mets from August 15-17, and will also receive free doctors notes to keep them out of the classroom on those days. They will also be seated in a special section where no children will be allowed for the duration of the series.

Free Beer Night! (Some Restrictions Apply)

Fans who have attended 10 or more Diamondbacks home games throughout the season are treated to free beer throughout the game against the Rockies on September 12th. After all, if they have been willing to sit through so much bad baseball, they deserve all the bad beer they want!

Throw Things at the Front Office

What better way to end the season on October 2nd than by getting to throw rotten eggs and tomatoes at the architects behind it all? Following the inevitable season-ending defeat to the Padres (and inevitable complaints about the stadium being too hot for people's dogs) people will be able to throw things at Ken Kendrick, Tony La Russa, Dave Stewart, Chip Hale, and whoever else the people demand. Items thrown must be soft enough to not cause permanent injury. Also, if there is any dog food left over from the "Dog days of summer" promotion, it will be put in a loader and dumped over them.

I'm pretty sure these events will keep people coming to the ballpark, and might even push attendance closer to 2.5 million.

Jake Lamb Moves to the Bullpen

Tired of being held out of games where he faces left handed pitching, Lamb decides to himself become a left handed pitcher. Since the team needs a LOOGY, this seems like a good idea to everyone, although it does leave a big question: could Jake Lamb strike out Jake Lamb?

Injured Outfielder Slots

In association with Gila River Casinos* slot machines with pictures of A.J. Pollock, David Peralta, Chris Owings, Mark Trumbo (because why not?), Chris Young, Jason Kubel, and any other outfielder who spent a decent amount of his time injured. Instead of money, though, you are playing for 2017 season tickets, which the FO will be desperate to give away after the disaster that was 2016.
(*not really, please don't send your lawyers after me)

Play Left Field Sweepstakes

One lucky fan will get to play left field for a game on October 1st. If he (or she) can have a lower strikeout rate than Peter O'Brien, a minor league contract will be offered.

I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to these and more developments in the second half of 2016!