Diamondbacks 6, Marlins 8: Blue can, green can, you can beer cap

Record: 26-37. Pace: 67-95. Change on 2015: -5.

I can't believe Turambar was gonna title this " TGIF beer cap" or something lame like that. Anyways, O'Brien is back: stretch Cadillac, fruit cocktails. I think we are all grateful for this, and him. Praise be. Now, this beer cap is in full effect.

Beer 1: tall can of Sierra Nevada Torpedo double IPA

Brought to you by QT. God, they used to be quick but NOOOO. Now they have like 4 guys making pizzas and one guy on register even though the line is long AF and I'm very thirsty. To the game! Corbin does good with the first two batters he faces, pop outs to the OF. Then Yelich hits one to Tomas and Tomas has to move like four steps to his left and misses an easy catch. Two steps to many for Golden Corral... I mean, Tomas. Sorry, not sorry. Next batter hits a base hit and its 1-0 Miami. Mattingly's face swells a bit. Stanton up now.....Anddd Tomas can catch. That's the top of the first, bro.

Beer 2: tall can of long hammer IPA.

My go to corner store IPA. Much refreshing. Bottom of the 1st. 2 quick D-backs outs the Goldy blasts one so hard to the Miami 2nd baseman, now that 2nd baseman needs reconstructive everything surgery. Goldy steals 2nd. And Prado ends us. Mattingly's face swells even more. It's like the one blueberry in the pack that's huge, grey and slightly molded.

Beer 3: blue can and a smoke break.

And I return to ZERO production in the bottom of the 2nd. Mattingly's face is so swollen at this point he is now only two swolls behind Clint Hurdle's face. More blue cans, more pain.

Top of 3rd and Corbinski gives up two base hits. Runners on 1st and 2nd base, my thirstiness compiles. Anddd, Corbinski gets the last out with ZERO damage.

Bottom of the 3rd and WHAAAAT? Ahmed with a lead off double. Ahmed takes third on a turrrible pick off attempt. Mattingly's face is now 5 swolls back from Hurdle's face swoll. And we score after Corbinski hits a double. Mattingly's face is now 6 swolls below .500. Segura lays down a very thick, nasty, dirty bunt down the third base side. Corbin to third base. Mattingly now looks like he has been using meth for a month straight. Bourn with a sac fly, Corbinskiov scores. Goldy up and he makes it to 1st on a base hit. MORE blue cans. Very parched. Beef walks. O'Brien up, he's clearly trying to hard and he strikes out, Upton style.

smoke break!

Beer 3:  Deep in the Green IPA by Grand Canyon Brewing

• Yes, Turambar is back, and I'm drinking another IPA unlike Ed above.
• Ed demanded to write and I am loath to give him the power, but, since he's funny as all get-out, I'm inclined to let him do so.
• D-backs are winning, but my cynical nature tells me it just aint gonna be a long term thing.  Been a rough year to say the least, but I'll enjoy it even if only for a brief while.  2-1 Dbacks
  
• Speaking of brief while writing an article on the Dbacks at a bar during the NBA finals is a bad idea.  Time for Ed to take charge again....................

• Fire Hale.
• fire butcher.
• order me a burrito.
• Fire every arm.
• Shut up Berthiaume.

Bells and whistles, by Jim

Y'know those archaeologists, who came across a fragment of an ancient scroll, written in a strange foreign language that is almost entirely unlike English, but just enough to trigger echoes of understanding? That's what proof-reading the above was like. Kinda. Mind you, given the overall feeling tonight was that the D-backs were playing a game almost entirely unlike baseball...

Not much more to add. This was a brutal loss. The D-backs Twitter feed informed us before the game the team were 19-1 when leading after six. Guess that's 19-2 now. Good to see Ahmed falling a triple short of the cycle, and Goldie got on base four times, but when it takes you four pitchers to get through an inning, there's clearly something wrong. Our home record sinks to 10-23; the Braves won their seventh at home today. That's how bad this team has been at Chase Field. And O'Brien? 0-for-4 with three punch-outs; the trio of K's took a total of nine pitches.

[Click for details at Fangraphs.com]
Free beer: Nick Ahmed, +18.7%
Well-crafted home-brew: Patrick Corbin, +11.1%
Skunked: Tyler Clippard, -41.6%
Empty six-pack: Curtis, -29.4%; O'Brien, -12.4%

Jackwriter, Sprankton and SongBird were the top three in this one, with the others present being: AzRattler, GuruB, I suppose I'm a Pessimist, Jim McLennan, JoeCB1991, Makakilo, MichaelMcD831993, asteroid, catbat, coldblueAZ, dbacks_in_vegas, gamepass, hotclaws, noblevillain, onedotfive, piratedan7 and preston.salisbury.. Comment of the thread to the last-named for this eerily prescient prediction:

Welp. We'll try and do better tomorrow, when we see Zack Godley for the first time this season, as he takes on Jose Fernandez. No way that can possibly go horribly wrong.