clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

The new uniforms are fine. You're just dead inside and have no imagination.

New, comments

An ode to bold aesthetics and getting baseball's collective stick out of their sensitive areas.

Jennifer Stewart-USA TODAY Sports

We are, at the time of publishing, four games into the 2016 season. Three of those have been played bu the Arizona Diamondbacks in variants of their new uniform set. There have been many opinions about them stated on the wide world of the interwebz, they mostly go something like this:

"THERE IS COLOR AND PATTERNS IN PLACES THAT YOU DON'T USUALLY SEE COLOR AND PATTERNS AND EVEN THOUGH I POSITION MYSELF AS NOT TRADITIONAL IN TERMS OF THINGS LIKE CELEBRATIONS AND BATFIPLS (WHICH PARENTHETICALLY THE AUTHOR OF THIS ARTICLE AGREES WITH BUT THAT'S ANOTHER TOPIC) I LAUGH AT SOMEONE TRYING OUT A NEW AESTHETIC."

My general response is: Shut up, they're fine, they're uniforms of a team that you're gonna be watching a lot so you're gonna get used to it. The rest of Baseball Christendom will too, eventually. Maybe the color scheme doesn't quite add up with traditional aesthetics, maybe the pattern is too intense in some places, but they make the Diamondbacks look like a distinct team with an identity again. It's a step up from the "Let's wear the same outfit to the party as the Reds/Angels/Nationals/Cardinals!" era from before.

To me, it evokes a time from when you were a kid, and you were drawing something. When a parent asked what you were drawing, you said "I'm making a boat that's also a plane and it has lasers, and 50 propellers, and it can make ice cream, and pizza!" Yeah, it's impractical in terms of nautical/aviation design, but gosh if it isn't just fun. If, as people who like to think they're Being Deep(TM) like to say, Baseball is a game for kids, then why not have the floating spaceship laser bakery of uniforms? You shouldn't let the doldrums of adulthood seep into your life so much that you have to declare baseball uniforms serious business that must be dealt with soberly

On another point: I have heard/seen people say "Well the Yankees don't change their uniforms every 5 years or have 50 combinations." Why would anyone wanna be like the motherf***ing Yankees? This is the team of facial hair bans and a leadership that is trying to reboot Les Miserables with their own fans.The Yankees are the snobby rich kid in every 80s movie that takes place at a Ski resort. They deserve nothing nice and they should not be emulated in any way.

I know the headline is a bit aggressive, shall we say. However, I do think that more weird or odd things should be embraced as a thing. It makes life more fun that way if you just acknowledge the inherit absurdity and just roll with it. The Diamondbacks are the weird blood socks team. Roll with it, it's a unique identity. Plus, I'm guessing by the end of this month, if not sooner, you'll get used to seeing them everyday. If you're still railing against the wind at that point, then you have other issues. You can tell me. Uncle Clefo is always around for you to pull up a chair and rap with about your feelings. I'll even wear my hat backwards and sit in my chair backwards like every youth pastor ever. And honestly, if we wanna get into bad aesthetics, the Diamondbacks have nothing on whatever the hell either team wore in last year's Territorial Cup. Seriously, what the hell?

Also it could be worse

A lot worse

(That's not camouflage, that's the color pattern you get when a couch flames up real good)

(That is a West Virginia University specific reference. Go look it up if you don't get it. I'm not your dad)

(Parenthetical statement to end the column)