clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Premature Diamondbacks Grades For 2016

Presented in a sober, non-funny sort of way. Totally.

Norm Hall/Getty Images

(All my grades are based on capricious reasoning with no actual thought into the rubric, which doesn't matter because you're going to quibble over them anyway because you don't read opening paragraphs ever. I HAVE PROOF CARROT TOP WENT BACK IN TIME AND KILLED WILLIAM MCKINLEY nope you just glossed right over that whatever.

Catcher - Welington Castillo

Some people thought Beef would turn into Veal this season, but he has responded by hitting well. Defensively? Hey look at that crazy thing over there.


Catcher - Chris Hermann

Has been perfectly serviceable as a Backup Catcher(TM), but has yet to inspire a cheering section called "Hermann's Hermits", which will dock him.


First Base - Paul Goldschmidt

Currently OPSing at .971 despite a .250 Batting Average, so gettin them walks. Also is probably a demi-god and when the Diamondbacks finally win a World Series will ascend to a higher plane of existence and reward all of humanity with him being in the literal zietgiest.


Second Baseman - Jean Segura

Hitting in such a way that seems unsustainable, but Aaron Hill and Chase Anderson are kinda blowing chunks in Milwaukee right now, so it's nice to be on this end of a trade for once. Kind of surprised that someone who left the state of Wisconsin for at the moment better things hasn't been trashed by Barry Alvarez yet.


Shortstop - Nick Ahmed

His .195 Batting Average is really gonna hurt his chances to win a Gold Glove, otherwise his candidacy is *excellent*.


Third Baseman - Jake Lamb

Walks like a champ, and is one of the best Left Handed Hitting Third Basemen with ties to the Seattle area in the league, a statement which definitely has not gotten me in trouble before.


UTIL - Brandon Drury

Hot take: We won the Upton trade ergo it cancels out any future hot takes on trades with the Braves made past that. Nope, not gonna hear it. Lalalalalalalalalala I'M NOT LISTENING.


UTIL - Phil Gosselin

Has filled the "Dave Hansen Memorial Standard Pinch Hitter" role well

"But Dave Hansen's not dead!"

We all die someday, now get grandpa some bourbon.


Outfield/Infield - Chris Owings

{Plays Center Field like someone who is very well-versed in Quantum Physics to summarize Proust. Has the capable tools, but is way out of his comfort zone and it may show sometimes.


Outfield - Yasmany Tomas

Yasmany more hits as he's gotten this year, you wonder if it will be Tomas at some point.

I get paid for this folks, deal with it


Outfield - David Peralta

Got Greinke to do the "Drive the Bus" thing, forever cementing a future career as a motivational speaker


Outfielder/Pinch Hitter - Rickie Weeks Jr.

Did the reverse NFL player thing by adding Jr to his name rather than Sr. Been kinda meh? It's hard to feel strongly one way or another honestly. BUT BY GOLLY WE'RE GONNA TRY


Outfielder - Socrates Brito

True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing

Like knowing nothing that sending me down left no natural centerfielders off the roster, explain that bulls***, Plato?


Pitcher - Zack Greinke

It's early, so things can turn around. Of course, we could find that linguists discover that "Greinke" is ancient Sumerian for "Barry Zito"


Pitcher - Shelby Miller

Has struggled to even scrape by in a few starts.

See what I did there?

It was a play on words, look laugh otherwise you'll be crying about Dansby Swanson


Pitcher - Patrick Corbin

Pretty good for awhile, then kinda bleh for last two starts. Mike Butcher might be Gil Gunderson.


Pitcher - Rubby De La Rosa

Very RDLR like first two starts, had to go to the bullpen for a spell, then has had good starts so the grade is


Pitcher - Robbie Ray

Was unarguably the most consistent starter up until last Sunday, when things just went squiffy. I blame chemtrails.


Pitcher - Archie Bradley

Had one start where he walked pretty much everyone and didn't last too terribly long but the Diamondbacks won the game ergo he's good don't @ me.


Relievers, Collectively

There's been so many relievers called up and sent down and whatnot, that they've sort of merged together. Not like Voltron, but like a horrific amalgamation of human body parts like you would see in a Silent Hill game or something. It would lumber towards you, only knowing death and murder, but still you catch a glimpse in its eyes, as if it's saying "Please kill me" and you raise your rifle...

And it's been pretty good tbh.


Disagree with these grades? Congratulations, you want a medal?