(EDITOR'S NOTE: We at AZ Snakepit are not above taking money for paid advertising content. There was a dang FanDuel article here last week, despite that not being allowed in the state of Arizona, nor many other states soon enough, but that's beside the point. The writer of this article was paid a noticeable amount of money last year to do some promotional stuff for Maytag. So yeah, we're sell outs. Deal.)
Leave it to Chase Utley to find a way around the Chase Utley rule. Just slide sideways! pic.twitter.com/N6W4r4fgx7— Ryan P. Morrison (@ryanpmorrison) April 14, 2016
Tired of your same old path? Recently got transplanted to the other side of the country and feeling ennui? Sick of rules that prevent you from harming another human being because you're an overly competitive sociopath who has no understanding of the social contract? Chase Utley University is for you! Courses include:
- Sweeping the Leg 101
- Tackling Your Problems Head On Even Though Doing Something More Evasive Might Have Garnered You More Success 204
- Being An Inspiration To Crotchety People Who Have A Weird Distorted View Of The Past And Complain About People Being Soft Anonymously On Twitter And Heavily Imply That Anyone Who Disagrees With Them Is A Woman Cause That's A Bad Thing In Their Worldview 400
- Blaming Other People For The Fact You Injured Them 369
At Chase Utley University, we know that you have a busy schedule of having your best days behind you, and that you play in a way that is abhorrent to most people in all but two cities, but we offer flexible payment plans. We are a private, definitely for-profit institution, but listen to the testimonials:
"After I graduated from Chase Utley University, I applied for a job that I wasn't qualified for. I didn't get it, but using the skills I learned, I slashes the HR Director's tires and gave false evidence to his wife that he was having an affair. Thanks Chase Utley University!"
"I was waiting in line at Starbucks once and I was in a hurry, so I cut in front of two people. When someone pointed out that I couldn't do that, I beat him senselessly. What was great was that a few witnesses said that it was their fault for pointing it out to the police. Not enough, I'm currently serving for aggravated assault, but it's nice to know there are people out there who recognize a Chase Utley University education when they see it!"
"With my Chase Utley University degree, I often wander into the bike lane to get around cars when driving, because that's the sort of innovative thinking we learn. I was pulled over by the police because they thought I was drinking, even though I wasn't. I wandered outside the line during the Field Sobriety Test, then tried to tackle the officer when he tried to handcuff me! I'm on the loose now and am on the news now, so a Chase Utley University degree brought me fame that I couldn't possibly imagine! Oh crap, gotta go, I hear sirens."
The greatest thing about Chase Utley University is that only 33% or so of your local municipality can see your alleged misdeeds on any given day, at least until society turns into whatever weird facsimile it never was but you keep harping on about. So sign up for Chase Utley University, if you value your ACL.
*(Not technically accredited, but you poor schmos still go to University of Phoenix. Unlike the namesake, graduates are not immune from punishment for any crimes committed while in a degree program.)