So through the magic of the internet, I was able to score an interview with German Filmmaker Werner Herzog (Grizzly Man, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans). While I couldn't get a more in-depth interview, I was able to get his thoughts about the Diamondbacks offseason, of which he has opinions about.
Minnesota Twins traded C Chris Herrmann to Arizona Diamondbacks for 1B Daniel Palka.
"Baseball offseasons are like life, a chain of catastrophes that we are powerless to stop. Here we see the simple Diamondback Rattlesnake try to trade an asset for a perceived need, when in fact it is powerless to stop the entropy that is always around us."
Diamondbacks trade RHP Jeremy Hellickson to Phillies for RHP Sam McWilliams
"The only icky hell involving a son I can think of was Fitzcaraldo, wherein we were trapped in the jungle for weeks upon end actually dragging a boat over a mountain with a bunch of angry natives. Klaus Kinski, my star and a devil of a man, kidnapped one of the native's sons and dragged him through the mud so that they would still assist in pulling the boat over the mountain."
"Also the Diamondbacks got some salary relief and the Phillies got a rotation filler in a rebuilding year."
Arizona Diamondbacks traded RHP Allen Webster to Pittsburgh Pirates for cash.
"To reduce a human to a dollar amount is our laughable attempt to bring order to our world, when in fact the chaos of nature will consume us all, despite all of our efforts to delay it."
Diamondbacks sign Free Agent RHP Zack Greinke
"Zack Greinke reminds me of the aforementioned Klaus Kinski. Kinski once took me into the muddle of the jungle and threatened to fight me with throwing knives. It was dark and the middle of the night, and I felt the creeping miasma of nature surround me, so I knew he was not kidding around. I can see Zack Greinke doing much the same thing."
Atlanta Braves traded RHP Shelby Miller and LHP Gabe Speier to Arizona Diamondbacks for RF Ender Inciarte, RHP Aaron Blair and SS Dansby Swanson.
"I listened to the recording of the phone call of this trade and recommend you destroy it forever. A man foolishly thinking he could tame the trade market, when in fact the trade market. Is there such a thing as insanity among General Managers? Dave Stewart is not acting irrationally, but just accepting the chaotic void that came for the dinosaurs then will come for us next"
Milwaukee Brewers traded SS Jean Segura and RHP Tyler Wagner to Arizona Diamondbacks for RHP Chase Anderson, 3B Aaron Hill, SS Isan Diaz and cash.
"You cry out in agony at a prospect you had to google when you heard about the trade being traded below his value, and yet nothing hears your cries or cares, as the outside world only exists to mindlessly kill you. You look into the eyes of the Brewers and lose yourself in the frightening, flat, stupidity"
Diamondbacks sign RHP Tyler Clippard
"It is just like the chaotic and uncaring nature of the universe for a team to sign a player two days after the writer finishes his article. The hot stove is something we think we can control, but really the primal forces of fire can never be truly contained, and one event could trigger a cataclysm."