The leaves are turning colors. The air is growing crisp. A chill settles in. Turn on the telly. It's football time.
We here at the Snakepit are big American football fans, and we want to sure our love with you, someone who likes baseball and might not be initiated in the in the fine art of traumatic brain injuries and militaristic posturing. Grab a pack of Bud, and open wide for some football!
What is the Football
Football is a game played a ball and the feet, where a team of 11 take on another team of 11 with the intent of kicking or heading the ball into a designated 'goal' area. But for the purposes of this article, football refers to American football, which is actually originally Canadian, is not really played with the feet but instead played with the head and an overinflated sense of place in the world.
Some useful football terms:
Tight end: when you eat too many hot wings and drink too much American Lite Beer
Blitz: a pastry filled with soft, sweet cheese and topped with a compote or jam
Remember that place you went to where you received crippling amounts of debt and also a very limited education in Semiotics and Critical Reasoning? Guess what? They also likely have a football team!
You might fondly remember discussing Barthe and David Foster Wallace, but most people know your school for football. And your school is good at football! Go, footballs, go!
Uni football has the distinct advantage over the professional game in that you can root for your team and feel smug about other teams. If your team doesn't win you can always fall back on the fact that the opposing team is always from a worse school, and the US New and World Report ranking is your new Harold Bloom.
Didn't go to a big school, or maybe your school is actually not good at football? NO UNI FOOTBALL FOR YOU.
Maybe the college game isn't your style. Or maybe you want to waste your whole weekend to escape your dreary life. "But soco," you say, "college is only on Thursdays through Saturdays?" Good news! The professional football league, The NFL, plays on Thursdays, Sundays, and Mondays. That means you can reasonably watch football everyday but Tuesday and Wednesday, and slowly slide into a puddle of pizza stains and jingoistic worldviews!
But who do you root for? Even better news: unlike uni football, you aren't really restricted from rooting for any team! Well, expect if you live in a city that already has a team, then you should root for them. Unless that team has been good in the past 5 years, because you don't want to be a bandwagonner.
The NFL is exactly the same as the uni game, except there's less teams and also some of the rules are different, and the oligarchs who run the league try to make it the most boring oatmeal possible. Other than all that, exactly the same.
This Worked, I'm Ready for Football!!!
Good! Grab some buds, grab some Buds, grab some rosebuds, grab some Rosebuds! IT'S FOOTBALL TIIIIIIIIIME
Hahaha just kidding. Why are you watching meaningless football when there's still baseball?