There's this thing going around Facebook to Google your name and "Glamour Shot(s)" to see what comes up. Then everyone has a good laugh at your expense. I thought, why not the Diamondbacks!
Paul Goldschmidt (well technically I just Googled 'Paul Glamour Shot'
You can see Paul is wearing a stylish Members Only faux leather/faux jewel jacket. His recent slump has caused him to visit the local optometrist and found some chic transition lenses. His eyes are hypnotizing, and his beard is luscious. This will be his Hall Of Fame picture for sure when he's inducted in 2032.
You may think you're looking at the iconic Sean Connery in his illustrious role as Zed from the 1974 blockbuster Zardoz, but this is actually Chris Owings just before he got the call up to the majors in 2013. As we all know Chris was a trick-shot artist in the modern day Wild West Shows that make their way nomadicly through the Americas. This was Chris's favorite outfit when performing his version of the shootout at the O.K. Corral.
Nick Ahmed is a connoisseur of all things Art Garfunkel. Here Nick is posing with his favorite cat 'Troubled Water' while seemingly distracted by a falling chicken finger or some such thing. No one knows quite what happened to 'Troubled Water" but sources say after the cat's disappearance Nick shaved his head and turned to baseball to fill the hole in his life.
Is that 1990's WWE star Jake the Snake? Oh no, it's just the 3rd base power hitting phenom Jake Lamb with his favorite pet ginger. Taken just after batting practice (hence the athletic tapped wrists), Jake wanted to make sure his mustache feature predominantly in the photo. 29 takes later, this pearl of a pic can be seen in Augusts edition of D-Backs Insider Magazine when the team will to an expose on his former career as a butcher.
It took some doing but this thoughtful looking pose was found of Welington while he was preparing to be a background dancer for the 1990 music video of MC Hammers smash hit "U Can't Touch This". His pants say "Yoga 4 Life" but his shoes say "Chinese Mafia biotch". The dreadlocks accent his inquisitive look as he ponders the great mysteries of humankind like, 'Why are we here', 'What is my purpose in life', and 'Do designer gloves look good on men'?
Not what you expected? Me neither. I had no idea Yasmany looked so much like his brother Joey Giambra. Did John Gambadoro manage him? He seems a bit pale in this picture. I guess he's gotten some sun since his fighting days.
Purple is the Queens color, and AJ knows exactly how to wear it. Don't let that hair fool you, AJ knows how to use a brush. The sequin look is back in this hair raising vogue cover photo. AJ may not be a bachelor any more, but you can bet the ladies will be fawning over him when they get one look at the rosy red lips and bull charging a matador eyes.
David knows how to play!!! If that medieval fishnet leather shirt doesn't make you want to play Speedo Frisbee Golf with the grand-master himself, I don't know what will. Davids ability to show off his powerful glutes while simultaneously disarming you with his iconic "relax, I got this" smile is not only breathtaking, it's invigorating. Don't you wish your stache was Hasselhoffalicious too?
Limiting our starting pitchers to just one player was easy once I got a look at this glorious Patrick Corbin picture from his beat-boxing days. Patrick could be seen in 7-11's and Circle K parking lots getting his beat on with his groupies for some cash on the down low. To this day Patrick 'raps on' endlessly about his friends Charles "Yo-Yo Mic Check" Thompson and Frederick "Flippy" Foster seen here during their hay-day:
No post on the Diamondbacks glamour shots would be complete without this amzingly gorgeous shot of our closer and world renowned playa, Brad "The Z Man" Ziegler. His powerful gaze will haunt your dreams and his classic diamond encrusted jewelry shows he means business. The snarl to Brad's lips is his signature move when hunting the ladies. With hair that mimics the mane of an Alpha Male lion, his predatory instincts and good looks are certain to ensnare his prey with one gaze.
Last but not least, our glorious leader Chip Hale... AKA Lemmy. Lemmy rocks the tats and a punk bullet belt like his idol Antonio Banderas. You certainly don't want to mess with this Desperado. His smile disarms you, but his rock hard pecks embarrass us puny men. Don't get in his way, me might just go 13th Warrior on your ass.