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The Wild Card: "The Diamondbacks think they're people!"

How dare they inquire about good players that every other team would be interested in! The nerve!

Peter Macdiarmid/Getty Images

(The following is a dramatization of my twitter feed when someone reports that the Diamondbacks might be interested in a good player. Not on the verge of acquiring, interested.)

"Did you hear, Bernard?"

"No, I did not Reginald, what comes in the news today?"

"On the Twittering Device, of all the news!"

"Do not keep me in suspense, dear boy!"

"The Diamondbacks -"

"- Oh don't say that name so suddenly, my good man."

"Right right, sorry old chap."


"Right, the Di- erm, 'Those Chaps' were interested in trading for Cole Hamels!"

"My good sir, you must have a bout of the syphilis, because I swear you said the Diamondbacks were interested in trading for Cole Hamels."

"It's true!"

"Why the nerve of those obviously lower-class type of Baseball team!"

"They think they're people!"

"Don't you know you can't trade for Cole Hamels unless you're one of the chosen teams that we elite 1920s Banker Types mixed in with Victorian upper-class types that Clefo has imagined as these characters in his head like?"

"Yes, yes, you have to be liked by us, because we are not capable of rational thought, and we like laughing at those less fortunate than us."

"Yes, Cole Hamels can only go to a team that is within a whisker of contention."

"Um, yes, about that -"

"The Diamondbacks play in that ghastly stadium with the pool and the roof."

"It's certainly not a real stadium, Real stadiums harken back to the 1950s for no good reason, and have terrible parking and sightlines!"

"And it's certainly not like those vagabonds won anything, ever."

"Not like the Royals, now there's a team that definitely wouldn't have won their only World Series if instant replay was around in 1985."

"Right right."

"... I have a question."


"Which one am I again?"

"What do you mean?"

"Am I Reginald, or Bernard?"

"I do not know old chap. I do not know."

"Oh well, let's continue to make fun of the Diamondbacks."

"Sweet Moses you said it again!"

"Did you hear, they want players under long-term control! What a lark! Who would want that except for everyone with half a brain?"

"Quite right, quite right. Now, let's go ruin the banking system and go to an opium den!"