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The Wild Card: Help I Can't Think Of A Column This Week

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We get meta as hell.

My mind right now
My mind right now
Jeff Topping/Getty Images

Oh no, I've been busy this week and have forgotten to come up with a premise for this column, now it's Thursday night, I'm not wearing pants, and I really kinda wanna go to bed, but ho, I must endeavor forward!

Maybe I should talk about Chip Hale's managing style in some humorous way, but then I don't really have a strong opinion on his managing style, and if I did, I'd probably do an esoteric comparison like going track by track on a random Stone Temple Pilots album.

Sometimes I wonder if I could have extended the Team Tournament out a few more weeks somehow, because while that was a lot of work, that saved the trouble of having to think about things for ideas. Maybe I'll do it again with a DIFFERENT old baseball game. Except I can't get that done without sleeping and dammit I need sleep.

Maybe I'll take another opportunity to pee on Kevin Towers' GM grave, that always seems to be popular and satiates the masses. Maybe I'll talk about how Jerry Dipoto got a raw deal in Anaheim, and yet he was passed over for Towers so what does that say about us as a society? But that didn't have a real throughline.

You know, I have time in the morning, maybe I'll sleep on the idea.

/goes to bed with edit window still open.

/tries to fall asleep with search helicopter circling endlessly above, as is the custom in Tucson

/puts on a podcast where a public radio host and a rapper talk about Adventure Time

/is able to fall asleep with that on.

/wakes up at 3 am to go to the bathroom

/falls asleep

/wakes up around 7 or so

WHAT IF I MADE EVERY DIAMONDBACK A TYPE OF SAND- oh wait, we talked about that on the podcast.

Screw it, let's go generic

Ha ha, boy the Diamondbacks. They sure are a baseball team playing in Major League Baseball in the year 2015 on the Gregorian Calendar. Wasn't it humorous when that one player did that one thing? Imagine if that one player doing that one thing was wearing a funny hat! People usually don't wear funny hats in baseball, what is he doing? Oh, dissonance!

And Mount .500 amirite? Too bad there aren't any other metaphors for a team reaching .500, guess every third recap title will have to beat that one into the ground, ha ha!

Dave Stewart sure likes illegal substances, and we'll imply such a thing that is in reality terrible on a person because they made a questionable roster transaction once, ha ha!

Anyway, reader, the Diamondbacks are wacky sometimes if I change the circumstances somewhat and you accept that reality for the time being.

I'll say it again: ha ha!