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The Wild Card: A list of more effective closers

Not comprehensive

By Charlie Gebow
Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
  1. Enrique Burgos
  2. Randall Delgado
  3. Oliver Perez
  4. Andrew Chafin
  5. Daniel Hudson
  6. Vidal Nuno
  7. J.C. Ramirez
  8. Throw a dart at the 40-man roster
  9. Trevor Hoffman circa 1998
  10. Trevor Hoffman now
  11. Rafael Soriano
  12. Martin Van Buren, our nation's 8th President
  13. Scott Weiland, former lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots
  14. A stack of ducks wearing a raincoat trying to get a business loan
  15. Abe Vigoda
  16. Doc McStuffins
  17. A former cricket player who broke his right arm
  18. Randy Quaid on a four day Dilly Bar bender
  19. Brian Williams (according to him, anyway)
  20. Gil Gunderson from The Simpsons
  21. A feather in the wind, just floating there, representing your lost dreams and ambitions, you take another sip of bourbon and wonder why you didn't try to make things work with Molly. Oh God, Molly. You are so sorry, but will never get the chance to tell her. She's with that guy, Jesse, now. You can't compete with Jesse, he's all traditionally chiseled and handsome and witty and erudite, and you can make really good fart noises with your armpit. You shouldn't have majored in English in college either, you hate your job. You need a win sometime. Maybe Molly would just be receptive to being friends? You should definitely text her, especially after a few beers.
  22. Kate Upton
  23. Kate Middleton
  24. Kate Downton
  25. An old Ibanez Bass with a broken input and an out of tune E string
  26. Jimmy Garoppolo
  27. Former infamous Snakepit member Foulpole
  28. Lemonade guy at Chase Field
  29. 2004 Indianapolis 500 Winner Buddy Rice
  30. Cypress Hill
  31. Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Light
  32. Fiery McDumpster, the fieriest fire ever to engulf a pile of tires.
  33. Liu Xiaobo, 2010 Nobel Peace Prize winner
  34. Mark Grace
  35. Mark Grace's Chauffer
  36. Andrew Lloyd Webber
  37. A talking Wolf from a The Far Side comic
  38. Ryan Lindley
  39. Carl Monday
  40. Chuck Berry
  41. Austin Rivers
  42. Your crippling student loan debt
  43. 75% of the lineup of any randomly selected ska band.
  44. Charles Manson
  45. Shirley Manson
  46. Denzel Washington
  47. Terrance and/or Phillip
  48. Every member of Kids in the Hall except for Mark McKinney
  49. Glenn Danzig
  50. Titus Burgess
  51. Ernest Hemmingway when he was drinking all of the booze
  52. The kid who was Relish in the Hot Dog Race during Wednesday's game
  53. An abandonware copy of Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing that you can't get to work on your dos emulator
  54. Whoever ran the Labour Party's campaign in Scotland
  55. A $5 bottle of generic grocery store brand Tequila
  56. The person who always replies "My wife left me" to famous people on Twitter
  57. An Ice Cream Truck that plays a nonstop muzak version of The Entertainer for hours on end right outside your window
  58. Dave in accounting. Man that guy is annoying
  59. Season 4 of Community
  60. Every random event or person listed in We Didn't Start the Fire except, ironically, the Baseball players
  61. The guy who coached the Iceland team in the second Mighty Ducks movie
  62. Post 1996 Mark Wholers
  63. Rick Ankiel
  64. That jerk at the Street Fighter arcade machine who only plays as Akuma and just keeps spamming Hadoukens at you
  65. Another damn Adam Sandler-Kevin James movie
  66. Hawkeye of The Avengers
  67. A shady Craigslist ad offering a free massage
  68. Tim Kazurinsky, former Saturday Night Live cast member
  69. A sizable piece of metal that you run over on your way to work, and you pull over to change your tire, but the piece of crap hydraulic jack you have doesn't lift high enough and you have to wait for a co-worker to come by and she brings an aerobic step that you have to put the jack on before it goes high enough.
  70. A drunk clown
  71. A vuvuzela
  72. The Wu-Tang Clan
  73. Even U-God
  74. Scott Bakula
  75. Clefo
  76. A random choir that pops up at the bridge of a pop song
  77. Li'l Sebastian
  78. That third Affleck brother who they keep tied up in the attic
  79. This weird old guy who yelled at me when I was on vacation last year in Berkely because I didn't move out of his way on the sidewalk with my bags still in tow for his liking.
  80. Engelbert Humperdinck (either of them)
  81. Guess what? It's you!
soco, mrssoco, Steven Burt, Jim McLennan, James Atwood, imstillhungry95, and SongBird also contributed to this list

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