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The Wild Card: How old do the Diamondbacks look

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I use a suddenly popular internet app to see how old certain Diamondbacks REALLY are. Results vary.

Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

On the internet zietgiest yesterday, the website http://how-old.net/ came into view. The premise is simple, you upload a picture of someone, and it guesses at their age and gender. From what I found, it's pretty good at the second part, and varies on the first. I uploaded a picture of myself and it said 28, which is weird because that is my actual age. However, other pictures I've uploaded show me in my late 30s which is rude.

But you can use this for pictures other than you and your immediate friends. Like, here's a picture of a band.

Ha ha, what is that late 30s guy doing in the band? Go listen to some Lawrence Welk you scamp!     

This gave me an idea to do this for various current and former members of the Diamondbacks, and see what hilarity ensues. Let's begin.

Paul Goldschmidt


Paul Goldschmidt is actually 27 years old, but this makes sense because he hits beyond his years, if that makes sense. Let's move on.

Jake Lamb


Lamb is actually 24, but we'll use the whole "hits beyond his years" thing again. I'm sure it won't happen again...

Archie Bradley

Well, this is concerning. Apparently, if you're smiling and doing a headshot, you age by a significant amount. Either that or the practice of a young foreign player lying about their age to make themselves a more intriguing prospect has made it way to America. Speaking of...

Yasmany Tomas


This is very concerning. The Diamondbacks were purported to have one of the youngest rosters in Baseball, and now you're telling me it's actually pretty old? Curse you internet tool that I'm taking at face value! (No pun intended.) Let's move on.

Ender Inciarte


Again, a pattern here. I wonder if it just rounds up the ages of anyone. I'm sure if I try someone older, the same thing will happen...

Randy Johnson


...which is about five years younger than RJ was in this picture. Now you're just trolling me. Then again, RJ is kinda, uh, unorthodox in appearance. I'm sure another D'Backs legend will yield different results...

Luis Gonzalez


Okay, three years younger than he is, but at least kinda in the same ballpark. I wonder if this thing was designed to make younger people feel terrible about themselves and older people feel better. I bet that's it. Let's change gears to a recently traded Diamondback with a very... unfortunate Baseball card.

Trevor Cahill


I have no other commentary other than this is not the best picture of Trevor. It still makes me laugh, though.

Let's try something else.

Josh Collmenter


Now, Josh has had periods of his career where his beard has been neatly trimmed and more shaggy. So I put pictures of each into this to see what it would do.

Let that be a lesson to you, kids. trim your facial hair if you wanna look young.

For the final one, I went really unorthodox

Baxter




Oh, what's that? You don't have a face, Baxter? That's right, and that should put you in your damn place. You are beneath all of us! Shame Shame SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!

But yeah, go play with that with whatever pics you want and see what happens. Share any particular insightful ones in the comments.