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The Wild Card: Poorly researched national publication column on the Diamondbacks

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Why hasn't Phoenix been burnt to the ground?

The only owner who knew what was going on for the D-Barks
The only owner who knew what was going on for the D-Barks
Ron Scheffler-USA TODAY Sports

(Today's column is totally not a parody or anything. It's 100% serious. Poe's Law does not come into effect here. These takes are so hot that your Laptop fan will come on for a few minutes.)

Being based in New York City, the city with big shoulders, it is only through my divine grace and will that I even give the Arizona Diamondbacks a thought, and I do not like those thoughts, much like I don't like affordable real estate. The fact that this team still exists is a miracle of modern science and voodoo and probably some underground gambling rings, because that state has been taken over by El Salvadorian Drug Lords, right? That sounds about right.

When I tuned into the ESPN network on opening day to see the Diamondbacks take on the Giants, I was appalled at how far this franchise had fallen since their World Series Appearance in 1999. Why was new manager Chuck Hale benching such luminaries as Randy Johnson? Steve Finley? Larry Gonzalez? Imagine my surprise when I find out that legendary sports figure of the state of Arizona F.P. Santagelo doesn't even own the team anymore, and hasn't for almost a decade! How something like that could escape this columnist's eye makes him wonder if there are other dark secrets the D-Bogs are hiding,

As Bruce Springsteen once sang "You can't start a fire without a spark..." and speaking of The Boss let me tell you...

(Your eyes start to gloss over, and you start to feel tired. You find yourself slipping in and out of consciousness. You only catch sections of the next few things...)

... and when you have a hungry heart, you gotta have one in Baseball, hearts are hungry, not that newfangled WARM stat....

(More darkness)

... I remember I saw The Boss in 1978... and 1981... and 1983... and....

(You start to long for the sweet embrace of nothingness.)

... all of this comes back to the Scottsdale Snakes, who should have been contracted back in the 80s when nobody had ever heard of them. They should be run like the Cardinals, in fact, if someone who had worked for the Cardinals for a long time were to come in and run that team, they would probably be better off. However, I bet that nobody like that would even consider such a job.

I will say that Yasmany Tomas has looked really good at Third Base the first few games. I was surprised that he was a skinnier white guy who batted left-handed based on what I had heard, but I suppose even this columnist shouldn't assume anything.

Also, General Manager Mike Blowers talks a lot about grinding. Grinding is not a thing, because I couldn't google the thing while I was at Starbucks. Speaking of, my barista did a thing today...

(You succumb to the void and feel much more contented.)