Tis the season for gift giving in its various incarnations. If you're reading this post, you or someone you know is a Diamondbacks fan, and you might want to get them something for the Holidays. You might want to avoid the team shop, for whatever reason in this conceit we've created, and are maybe more keen to other sort of items found by people you've never met from the internet with keen eyes and exquisite tastes. Your prayers are answered! What follows is AZ Snakepit's Gift Guide for the Diamondbacks fan in your life! We assume no personal liability for any physical, mental, or emotional damages any of these gifts cause.
You might wonder why it doesn't explicitly say "Baxter", but it makes perfect sense. If you say his name multiple times, he appears no matter where, like Beetlejuice, and you want to do everything you can to avoid that. If you want to rule over your child with annoyance, disgust, fear, and mascots that no longer make sense due to bank mergers, then this is for you! Also gives your child the myth that Baxter developed like normal mammals and wasn't just summoned to this world from a portal to one of those other planes of existence you read about in Dungeons and Dragons manuals. Comes with other now out-of-date Diamondbacks logo stickers, so you're getting your money's worth!
It's no secret that a small cabal of Snakepit writers are Strat fans, and in our collective expert opinions no set is complete without getting all of the players from one of the more forgettable teams in Diamondbacks history. Those sleepless nights spent wondering where you could find a Luis Terrero card will not have been in vain! Be warned though, the Javier Vasquez card will seem distant and will really want to be among your 2004 Yankee set instead.
I found this through another item: something for the laideez, a D0backs thong, which would have been amusing enough - but then saw "Matching men's G-string available" and knew that's what I had to include. Mind you, that was only after a diversion to Amazon for the "glitter thong"... Which I was relieved to discover, actually meant a pair of flip-flops, not a particularly sparkly undergarment. Anyway, this is all largely a ruse to avoid thinking about anyone actually wearing a D-backs G-string. Particularly Yasmany Tomas. Cheap enough, at $8,99, though even for rookie hazing, it seems like cruel and unusual punishment. I'm off to drink heavily and look at pictures of kittens for a bit.
And, speaking of drinking heavily, why not do so with this, at $47.99, described as follows. "Sedona Red. Sonoran Black.The Arizona Diamondbacks™ Proprietary Red’s dark crimson color is as deep as left-center at Chase Field™. Yet with its Bing cherry, spice and espresso notes, the experience is as open and lofty as a Mount Humphreys sunset. Its ripe berry flavors and velvety finish combine seamlessly together for the win." Not to mention, it goes down as easily as Padres fans' hopes. What, too soon?
To steak a line from Team America: "Bed, Bath & Beyond! F__ yeah!" This is something I actually wouldn't mind having, being both functional and aesthetically pleasing (something which, I must admit, could probably not be said of some of these gifts!). For it doesn't just toast the bread, it also brands it with the team logo. The only way this could be any better is if it also burned the face of Jerry Colangelo into the other side, allowing you to create your own franchise relics: y'know, father, son and holy toast... It was a tough choice between this and the Arizona Diamondbacks sportula, but you can't go wrong with bread, can you?
For the fan who has everything - not least, the $7,500 asking price - you can pick up one of these. Not an imitation or a facsimile, this is one of the real things given out to team executives, etc, Albeit not quite as flashy as the version given to the players, it is made of 52.6 grams of 10K yellow gold, with real diamonds embedded in the face. But, wait! There's more! For just an additional $6,999.99 (current bid), you pick up another 2001 World Series ring. Have one for each hand! Collect the set! Hmm, there's an idea for a slasher movie: an obsessed fan who hunts down those on a championship team and cuts off their rings. Call me, SyFy. We'll talk.
Hellickson may not be on the Diamondbacks anymore, but the savings can only be passed on to you, as this item has *$10* off its original $49.00 price! You can also give it to someone you're dating, as there is no better gift this season that says "I want to take it slooooooooooooooooow" than a piece of Jeremy Hellickson regalia.
"Dear God, they're still talking about Mount 500? Daddy needs to warm himself up with his friend Jose."
"Aww, sweetie, you look adorable in this apparently officially licensed merchandise that just a small logo somewhere."
"YES MOTHER, WE ARE PLEASED."
"Uhh, what's wrong?"
"NOTHING. THIS BODY IS MERELY ASSUMING ITS TRUE FORM. PROTO-BAXTER COMMANDS ALL AND WILL ENVELOP ALL INTO THE VOID."
"Maybe you should at least take the hood off..."
(Sound of a blood curdling scream a-la Invasion of the Body Snatchers)