Diamondbacks 5, Astros 21: Beercap - The Last Hurrah of 2015

Record: 78-82. Pace: 79-83. Change on 2014: +15.

Beer 1 (Turambar):  Dubina Ale by Dubina Brewing

Beer 1 (Lord Emperor eDbigghead) Arrowhead IPA by Dubina.

Beer 1 (ColonelKlank) Arrowhead IPA

• Decided to have the last Beer Cap with two loyal Dback Legionaires:  eDbigghead and ColonelKlank.  Veterans of the Long Season both, and true supporters of the VIII Legion Dback.
• Never been to Dubina, though I've had their beer a couple times around the Valley.  Quite and comfortable neighborhood brewery.  A perfect spot to cap off a kinda-sorta-hopeful season.
• And so it begins.  Ruby once again on the mound and my friends and I debating (once again) where he'll be at in the lineup going into 2016.
• Ummm.....I remember my first base running?  Springer though apparently doesn't.  That was much lol, such laugh.
• I tripped over one little 2nd base and my Mom got scared, says yours moving with you auntie and uncle in bel aire....(eD0)
• Ugh....0-3 Astros and it's still the first.  Ruby and bad luck have helped us none....
  
• Despite having just about every Astro up we only give up 3.....only 3

Beer 2:  Bell Rd IPA

Beer 2: (ed) Red Sea Imp IPA

Beer 2: (Klank) Grampa's Pils

• Lord Goldy, despite his Goldylike efforts could not lift our team to playoff glory.  Soon.....sooooooooon.
• .....after that strikeout perhaps.....
• ....and Hill pops out to end the inning. 
  
• Ruby, after I defended him as a lock for starting pitcher, gives up a solo shot.  0-4 and I need more beer.
• Tomas, who's never missed a meal in his life made a HORRIBLE play on a Texas Leaguer.  "Initiate Order 66."  Says (eD) 0-5 Astros
• Harkey was a Dodger when he played. He is now Zorg, taking orders from Mr Shadow. His forehead bleeds as he takes secret orders from Mattingly, to sabotage us. (Ed)  "Where are you?."  "Not.  Far.  Now."
• Surprise, surprise.  Tomas with another error and he's gone.  Drury now in and THANK GOD!
• Parker speaking in the booth confirms that Tomas was sent to the Tree of Woe.  He's earned it.
• We're debating the impending Goldy contract this off season.  eD proposes "The head of Aaron Hill and David Hernandez, plus a 40yr $7.8billion deal."  Seems reasonable. 
  
• Ruby.  Why?  WHY!!?!??!??  First two runners on in the 3rd and no outs.   Sigh.

Beer 3:  Fall Maple Ale

Beer 3:  Dubina Ale (eD)

Beer 3:  Oatmeal Stout (Klank)

• annnnnnnnnnddddddddd 0-6 with no end in sight.  Thank the Emperor for beer.
• ROMAK!!!!  Good things happy when Ruby is gone.  Or Jamie Roadhouse as eD calls him.  Roundhouse kicking his way to 2nd.
• Good feelings gone.....all gone.
• Hills does a thing....but Goldy gets thrown out at home.  1-6 Astros. 
  
• The brief lived silver lining is clouded over by a dead center homer by Correa.  1-7 Astros.  Pretty sure the 'stros got this.
• It's the fourth inning and all of us agree we'll be very very very very drunk soon.
• Crashing through the bar crowd, throwing chairs - breaking jaws. Potty break.
  
• Send Harkey to The Bog of Eternal Stench. (eD)
• There is no life for the Dbacks.  Only..... death....1-7 after 4 innings
  
• (eD)Dark Knight references with Front Office managers in place of character, La Russa as The Joker. "Do you want to know how I got these rings?  It's simple, we kill The Harkey" La Russa looks at Hall and Kendrick, "What happened to your balls?" Looks at Hill...."You want to see a magic trick?"
  
• Challenge!  Kinda seems futile, but why not.  Socrates looked safe even to our inebriated selves.
• Nope, out.  We'll need another beer soon to forget that.
• O'Brien just made us feel a bit better with that crushed homer.   CRUSHED!!!!!!!!!!!  2-7 and the 5th ends with some vague sense of hope.

Beer 4:  Arrowhead Imperial IPA

Beer 4: (Klank)Dubina Ale

Beer 4: (eD) Grandpa Pils

• Astros keep pilling on the runs with ANOTHER homer, the third to be exact.  2-9 'stros.
• .....and another.  Batting practice in full effect.  2-10 'stros 
  
• Would be nice to have pitcher.  "Hey, Clefo.  Would be nice to have some pitchers.....like the ones we traded.  Or maybe you'd rather have Upton?"  (eD)
• The Upton card has been put into play, just as the 'stros have placed their challenge into play.  Hill might just be the makeup call we need, but not the one we deserve.
• The night drifts off into madness.  "Leeloo Dallas chicken pass"  We thought it funny.
• The waitress, forgetting who had what beer, asked for our help.  Luckily this beercap proves quite useful in that regard.
• Pitching gone.  "Leeloo Dallas &%$tshow pass."  Bases juiced in the 7th, somehow this is Clefo's fault. (eD)
• It's now 2-11, and the balance of power lay in ruins.  The 'stros metachlorian levels are off the charts.
• bases clearing triple.  Nice.  "Kill me!  Killlllllll mmeeeeeeee." (eD)  2-1
• Yup, we're done.  2-15

• At this point, Turambar has began to curse loudly and is done with this beercap. I had to choke him out like Lord Humoungus had to choke out his dog of war.
  
• Our bullpen eats $%^.
• Our SP eats #$%.
  
• Launching missiles. Another run. 2-16.......now 2-17
• annnnnnnnnndddc we're done.

Bells and whistles, by Jim

Though, for the purposes of finishing off this recap, it's more like the clanging chimes of doom and sad trombones. The Astros continued to score, and ending up scoring 21 times, setting a new, dismal record for the franchise. Particular highlights were Matt Stites becoming the first Arizona pitcher in 15 years to allow seven runs while retiring one batter of fewer [Armando Reynoso managed to allow seven without retiring a batter, in an April 2000 start] If the team was going to see the last hope of climbing Mt. .500 ruthlessly crushed, this was as least a decisive way in which to do it.

The Diamondbacks restored the faintest vestige of respectability to proceedings, scoring three unanswered runs over the final two times at bat, and thereby delivering the least tasty free tacos ever. Aaron Hill got three hits and a pair of RBI, while Phil Gosselin reached twice, on a hit and a walk. Otherwise... I really hope it goes a great deal better tomorrow, since I'll be at Chase Field for the last time this year. If it goes like this, I think I'll be setting fire to my seat. That should give Bob and Bert something to talk about.

[Click for details, at fangraphs.com]
A one-legged man: Peter O'Brien, +2.5%
An ass-kicking contest: Rubby De La Rosa, -35.7%

Somewhat remarkably, over 400 comments in the GDT. with JoeCB1991 leading the way, ahead of NumberOneIanKennedyFan31 and preston.salisbury. Also watching the train-wreck from the platform: AzRattler, Clefo, Dbackguy, Diamondhacks, GuruB, I suppose I'm a Pessimist, Jim McLennan, Makakilo, MrMrrbi, SongBird, asteroid, catbat, datr22, ford.williams.10, freeland1787, gamepass, hotclaws, onedotfive, piratedan7 and since_98. Nothing got more than two recs though, and if ever a game deserved to be forgotten entirely, it would be this one.

Still, tomorrow can't possibly be any worse, can it? Oh, hell: Jeremy Hellickson's pitching. Never say never, folks...