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The Wild Card: Dark Horse GM Candidates

A rundown of some of the more unknown TOTALLY REAL AND NOT MADE UP FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES NOPE NOT ME General Manager candidates.

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Norm Hall

Ever since the GM position for the Diamondbacks became vacant, there has been speculation about who would be the person to fill that void.

While a person like Dave Stewart is currently seen as the frontrunner, there have been reports of many other candidates who have been put on the list. Some have interviewed, some have dropped out. However, there have been a great many-more candidates that the lame-stream (see what I did there? I'm clever) media can't or won't tell you about.

However, we at AZ Snakepit can finally shed the truth on a few of these candidates for you.

Jake Alouette

Jake is the founder of the "Think Positive, Be Positive!!!!" line of workout, exercise, and diet videos. He posits that the power of positive thought can overcome all obstacles. He is seen on these videos in a TV studio in front of a background of smiling people that look like the people from the video for Black Hole Sun. The exercises usually involve people lifting objects that normal humans normally are not capable of lifting (I.E. cars, boulders, sumo wrestlers, etc.) He says that the power of positive thinking caused people to be able to lift those objects, but the eye of the untrained viewer could tell that all of the objects involved were cheaply made cutouts.

Jake believes he could bring this to a baseball team. He claims he could make Didi Gregorius a 50 home run hitter and Vidal Nuno have an ERA under 1.00 through his positivity. Possibly related, there have been whispers going around MLB offices of a petition to replace certain players with cardboard cut-outs, but those were unconfirmed at press time.

Sources also claim that Alouette is soon to be indicted by the SEC on tax evasion. Not the Securities and Exchange Commission, the Southeastern Conference (ROLL TIDE). Alouette believes that he will be safe from them by hiding out in a state with two Pac-12 schools, as the SEC would never travel there for anything.

Gary Smidgers

Ken Kendrick ran into Gary sleeping on some newspapers at an underpass and was impressed by his Baseball acumen. Mr. Smidgers' philosophy boils down to "GETTIN THOSE DAMN LIZARD PEOPLE OUT OF THE ZEITGIEST!"

Kendrick took "Lizard people" to mean "Bad baseball habits", because he's a deep thinker, him.

In other news, in May of next season you get get a complimentary Lizard Person Bobblehead if you buy the special package which costs $50,234 more.

Dr. Fratricide

The good (in terms of skill, not morality) doctor lives in a large complex built inside of a volcano somewhere in the South Pacific. That sort of ingenuity attracted Diamondbacks brass to him. He also was able to raise a standing army of at least 10,000, showing that he could lure at least a few big-money Free Agents to Arizona.

He is not without red flags. He is, by all accounts, a murderous sociopath who has an ultimate goal of blowing up the planet Mercury. (When asked about his motives, he said through gritted teeth, "It knows what it did.") Also, getting him onto US soil might be difficult, as his capture has been deemed a "Top Priority" by all member nations o the UN. However, should the D'Backs wish to go in this direction, they are confident that they can make it work out.

A Time Machine and Jerry DiPoto

Despite reports of an actual, functional, Time Machine being donated to the Diamondbacks for the exact purpose of going back in time to 2010 and promoting DiPoto from interim to full-time GM, the higher-ups are balking at the offer.

"What? Why would we want the guy who is the GM of a current division winner?" Was the reported response.

Devin Flowers

This is totally NOT Kevin Towers wearing Groucho glasses. This is a totally different guy, Devin Flowers. His resume states that he used to be the General Manager of the "San Luis Obispo Padras"

I have to reiterate, he is definitely not recently deposed GM Kevin Towers.

Mr. Flowers espouses a "Shooting at things from your hip section" philosophy to GMing, and a "Nose that is hard to a stone that you use to sharpen metal" and wants players "Who are like that one newspaper that is mostly circulated in rural areas in the United States."

Again, not KT.

So while the D'Backs will probably go with an established candidate, don't be too surprised if one of these names pops up as the next GM hire. You heard it here first!


On October 6th I will be releasing a radio play that I wrote, cast, recorded, directed, and edited onto the general internet populace The Interstellar Duck is a tale of stuff happening and terrible people reacting to it (Okay, there are probably like two or three redeemable characters) You can find a preview of a scene from it here (Strong language warning) So yeah, be on the lookout for that in the future.