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The Wild Card: New In-Game Promotions

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The Wild Card has obtained a leaked memo of some new in-game promotions the Diamondbacks will be putting on the last two months of the season to drive up attendance.

Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

SATURDAY, AUGUST 9TH VS. ROCKIES

"Pony Night"


Co-opting a proud tradition from AZSnakepit.com, the Diamondbacks will hand out free pony figurines to give to the somewhat grumpy Scottish webmaster of your choice.

However, be careful, because all pony related things must be within the purview of the "My Little Pony" universe, as per the terms and conditions of the original Pony Day. Any references to outside Ponies, the shoe company, or the song by Ginuwine, will result in swift execution and your family and loved ones will never be told....

FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC, Y'ALL!


SUNDAY,  AUGUST 24TH VS. PADRES


"Kevin Towers Public Mockery Day"


Taking a cue from old medieval village traditions, KT will be placed on a Pillory outside of Chase Field and be subject to all of the catharsis of fans yelling about him about Mark Trumbo. Festivities will begin two hours before first pitch and will continue on until the game ends, because we can't really send anybody out there to free him because there's a game going on, you know? KT can just sit out there admiring the downtown Phoenix skyline while fans wail in agony as his former and future team takes it to the Diamondbacks.


MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 15TH VS. GIANTS


"Dadaism Appreciation Night"

The Diamondbacks invite the absurdity into Chase Field. Dadaism, in case you didn't know and why the hell wouldn't you, was an early 20th Century art movement borne out of the horrors of World War I. It was a sort of "Anti-Art" and a precursor to more modern surrealism (or even modernism, if you like.)

The Diamondbacks have gone through, though on a much lesser scale, some horrors this season, so watch as Baxter is painted fuchsia for no reason, see Miguel Montero bat leadoff. There's no meaning to anything, and press releases will soon follow suit banana butterscotch potato bug Walter Mondale bojangle.


First 10,000 fans will get a Tristan Tzara bobblehead, any value placed on this object is missing the whole point of Dadaism and it's a freakin' bobblehead people.


FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29TH VS. CARDINALS


"Ragnarok Night"



The last series of the year kicks off with a bang, literally, as the Norse Gods fight each other until death and the world as we know it comes to an end, and it will happen right here at Chase Field! Watch such luminaries as Thor, Loki, Odin, Tyr, and others battle for supremacy while the world runs red, Sedona Red that is, in blood. Also watch St. Louis stars Adam Wainwright and others for the Cardinals as all life as we know it on this planet it no more!

(You must purchase the special ticket package to receive this deal and be cleansed from this world forever.)