Using this list here, I am going to go through the walk-up music choices of various Diamondbacks and critique them, even though music taste is a bit subjective and I shouldn't be stuck up about it, and someone could probably go through my iTunes library and write something snarky about it, and if a song I don't particularly care for is the thing that helps a player leg out a double, then I should be happy.
In other news: I am never ever going to write for Pitchfork.
I'm not going to go through every single selection on that page, just some highlights and such. Let us begin.
(I link to YouTube videos and such of these songs, as such some of them have naughty words, so you're warned.)
Aaron Hill - Blind by Korn
With a .651 OPS, Hill has been hitting like he's blind, amirite folks? Hi-five!
Also Korn? Did Sherman set the wayback machine to 1998? If you're too young to remember: nu-metal was a thing and it was weird and it was the dominant direction for pretty much all rock for a bit.
Bronson Arroyo - 45 by Shinedown
Bronson Arroyo and the band Shinedown are symbiotic. One could not exist without the other. They are from the same primordial musical ooze.
As an aside, I actually saw Shinedown once in 2006, I think I had won tickets at a radio tent somewhere. They weren't bad, but not anything to write home about. That is sort of the essence of the Bronson Arroyo Musical Experience.
Cody Ross - Dirty Laundry by Don Henley, Right Above It by Lil' Wayne, They Don't Know by Rico Love, Turn Down For What by DJ Snake and Lil' Jon
Joe Paterson - How Bad Do You Want It by Tim McGraw
"How bad do you want it?"
"I'm sorry, Gibby?"
"This call-up, Joe, how bad do you want it?"
"It'd be nice. I think I've earned it after all these years."
"Would you kill a man?"
"Holy crap, are you sliding me a machete?"
"Just like I thought, you don't want it. I'm going to tell Kevin to trade for Clay Rapada."
Josh Collmenter - Bawitaba by Kid Rock
I'd make fun of this, but Collmenter has the sort of (public) persona to get away with this. Just look at his headshot the next time you can. There's a man that likes shotgunning Steel Reserve at funerals.
Miguel Montero - Animals by Martin Gerrix
Considering that Miggy once used this as his walk-up music, this is a surprisingly normal sounding dance song. For his next song, I suggest the following:
Paul Goldschmidt - It'z Just What We Do by Florida Georgia Line
It'z? IT'Z? Let's gloss over the fact that this is just another generic new country type thing that's has no substance and is lyrically vapid. (And the people who like that sort of thing have the gall to criticize hip-hop.) IT'Z?
Then again, if Goldy likes it, we shouldn't complain because he is a God and we hope he gets better soon.
Trevor Cahill - White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane
Trevor Cahill is tripping balls.
Could be worse in the Jefferson family....
Tuffy Gosewisch - Beautiful Disaster by 311
Oh Tuffy, you've inadvertently stepped into my wheelhouse. Now that's a pretty song, and it sounds great live, but it is kind of low-energy in places and I could suggest some other choices from the 311 catalog that get the blood flowing for a sac-bunt situation. Such as this, or this, or this, or this.
But, again, Beautiful Disaster is a really good tune and so yeah.
So there you have it. A rundown of only some of the D'Backs walk-up music selections. React accordingly.