"Good morning. Good morning. In less than an hour, hitters and pitchers from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest Baseball battle in the history of Diamondbackkind. Diamondbackkind, that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences any more. We will be united in our common interest. Perhaps it's fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from the freaking Dodgers. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist, to eat overpriced Corn Dogs and pay extra for giveaways and should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice, 'We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on, we're going to survive.' Today we celebrate our independence day!"
- President Thomas Whitmore
When in the Course of Baseball events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the General Manager bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the diamond , the separate and equal station to which the Unwritten Rules and of Luis Gonzalez entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of fans requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Diamondbacks are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness, and the right to make opposing fans sitting behind home plate not wear their team's gear, because forcing them to change during *totally* makes us look good, you guys.
- Thomas Jefferson, I don't have to tell you which document... right? Right? Come on you guys, you're scaring me, just say it and we can move on and I can have some semblance in faith in humanity. Oh God, you don't know, do you? Time to mainline bourbon.
Happy birthday, America. Go Diamondbacks. That's America to me.