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The Wild Card: Letters to Clefo II Electric Boogaloo

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It's been a month, so here's another mailbag column.

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Gary Miller

You've got questions? I've got answers. Are they necessarily good answers? History will be my judge.

Questions were collated from various social media, and from my head as the case may be.

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If you could appoint anyone MLB commissioner, who'd it be?

- Jim M.

I'd definitely go beyond the "Mouthpiece for the owners" route that the big four sports leagues have done. Ideally, I'd want someone with a good eye on promotion, since that should be priority number one for a commissioner, in my opinion. One of your crazier race track or wrestling promoters would be great. If Bill Veeck were still alive I'd love to see that. I can't really think of any specific names, but someone from outside the general sphere of the Baseball shadow government would be nice.

Of course, because of the Mouthpiece thing, it won't happen, and it seems like Rob Manfred is a done deal. But man can dream.

Also as an aside, isn't it weird that after this season Gary freakin' Bettman will be the longest tenured commissioner of all of the big four leagues? Wild.

So I herd u liek Mudkipz? Do u?

- Joe B.

.....

............

The *** you doing, Perd Hapley?

Why is KT still employed? How do you trust a man who created this mess to fix it?

- Edward C.


When a child breaks a priceless piece of porcelain (try saying that three times fast) or makes a mess or some other misdeed, a standard route of discipline is to have them clean up the mess themselves. Another way to think of it is like rubbing a dog's face in a piece of excrement they may have expelled in the wrong place, perhaps they are doing that to KT as we speak.

"BAD KT! BAD! WE DON'T TRADE AWAY TWO UNDER CONTROL CHEAP AND HIGHLY REGARDED PIECES FOR MARK TRUMBO!"

You may think I'm making excuses for KT's continued employment here, but keep in mind I'm comparing him to a disobedient child or dog.

What is the most harrowing concept for a reality show that actually exists that you've seen in the last week, let's say around last Saturday at 3:45 PM or so.

- Gary S.

Well, I'm glad you asked, because I was shown Married at First Sight, which is a reality show on a network I had never heard of before called FYI. It is exactly what it sounds like, in the sense that they match up a bunch of strangers who have to be married sight-unseen. They were apparently matched up by "Experts" as to who would couple best with the others.

I only watched 15 minutes of one episode, but my friend who showed me it told me that they called in a bunch of people, cast them, and then once they told them what was entailed in this, all but six dropped out, which sounds like a winning combination.

The worst part, for me, other than seeing people awkwardly getting married (including one woman who was definitely not attracted to her surprise groom.) was that these people were in their mid to late 20s, AKA the age group that I currently belong to. Someone just giving up and putting the future of their love life into the hands of vaguely skeevy reality show producers at that age is just depressing. YOU'RE 27 AND OF THE RIGHT LEVEL OF ATTRACTIVENESS TO BE ON TELEVISION, WHY ARE YOU GIVING UP ON LIFE?

Anyway, check it out if you like, if only because I have a need for other people to be aware of things that I am and go through the same mental and emotional ringers. (It's on hulu)

Stargate SG-1 or Battlestar Galactica?


- Blake S.

BSG by virtue of having seen more of it. I've actually only seen one episode of SG1 ever in my life (I'm "terrible" about catching up on old shows. I use terrible in weirdly placed quotations because in the spectrum of terrible things, not ever watching a TV show is pretty low on the list.) It was the day before Thanksgiving break when I was in college and an Astronomy professor I had showed an episode about Black Holes and had the 15 people who bothered to show up answer some questions for extra credit.

It was pretty good.


Who is the 28th best Diamondback position player of all time?


- Jane D


Troy Glaus, going by fWAR with 3.1 in his lone season in 2005. It's an odd, esoteric question (and probably one of the ones I made up for padding purposes), but it does speak to how young this franchise is. Right now it's the age of 16. It's learning how to drive and in a weird rebellious stage, while awkward, is necessary for its growth as a franchise/person/weird metaphor.

"SCREW YOU DAD, I'M GOING TO LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM AND LISTEN TO MGMT AND TRADE AWAY JUSTIN UPTON BECAUSE HE HURT MY FEELINGS."

As a note, the 28th best Yankee of all time, looked up for comparison, is the immortal Wally Pip, who is now synonymous with "being really good but being passed aside for someone way better at an inopportune time. He also has a higher fWAR than every Diamondback position player ever except Luis Gonzalez. The 28th best Rockies position player of all time? Kaz Matsui. Padres? Ozzie Smith.

Who is the most famous celebrity you've seen after a Spring Training game?


- Amanda H+K


That would be Colm Meany, best known as Chief O'Brien in Star Treks Deep Space Nine and The Next Generation after a Cubs-White Sox game in 2001 at Tucson Electric Park.

I didn't talk to him or anything, just saw him taking pictures with the early-millennium version of a bunch of dudebros.


Did a friend ever tell you a story about some employee of the Diamondbacks being very drunk and kind of racist at a Steakhouse in Tucson and because that friend isn't a die-hard D'Backs fan like you, he wasn't able to identify him, but from the description you thought for the longest time you thought it was current Reds manager Bryan Price, though we should say for legal reasons it definitely was not Bryan Price but most likely a minor member of the training staff and this was 2008 or 2009 so enough time has passed probably?

- Hugh J.


Yes.