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The Wild Card: "Why should I watch this crap?"

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It's a fair question facing Diamondbacks fans for the rest of the season. I explore it below.

Jason O. Watson

I hope you're sitting down, because I have something to say that might shock you.

You ready?

The 2014 Arizona Diamondbacks are not a good baseball team at the Major League Baseball level. I know, I was surprised too, but the sooner we get this out there, the sooner the healing can begin. You might think after this revelation that "Oh, there's really no good reason to watch the Diamondbacks, I'm going to go write my novel, or learn what the names of my children are." Hold the phone there, mister/miss. Despite the lack of quality baseball being played, there are still numerous reasons to watch the Diamondbacks play out the schedule.

As we all know, Bastille Day was last Monday, which was the anniversary of the start of the French Revolution, a violent conflict that resulted in many a beheading, but was better for France in the long run. The possibility of a Diamondback Bastille Day looms on the horizon for us fans, as the current autocratic regime of Gibson/Towers may be on its last legs. In fact, Gibson may have said in a press conference last week "Let them eat cake, especially that from a microwave. I mean, nobody would have strong opinions on that, right?" So the metaphorical guillotining of the current Diamondbacks on-field decision makers is something to watch for.

Of course, this wouldn't be done by an angry mob of fans, it'd be done by decision makers higher up than Gibson/Towers, so maybe Bastille Day wasn't the best metaphor. At least I read a history book once, get off my back, man.

There is also the hipster cachet. If the names of Alex Romero, Luis Terrero, or Andy Green mean anything to you, you watched a lot of meaningless Baseball in the mid-2000s. You may think that having those names in your brain might push out important details like the name of your aunt or the password to your Match.com account, but brains don't actually work like that.

Being able to drop obscure baseball players is fun, because people aren't sure if you're making up a player or not, and having people confused and on their toes constantly is the secret to getting the upper hand in life and achieving true happiness.

Here's a quiz: Which of the following Diamondbacks players did I make up?

Hensley Meulens
Chris Michalak
John Frascatore
Kevin Jarvis
Gary Smidgers
Connor Robertson
David Eckstein.

The answer? I won't tell you. Why? You're probably googling it right now. You are doing this because the sense of wonder and amazement left you long ago.

(The answer is Eckstein, BTW.)

Since three is a nice number of reasons for things, consider the following:

It's something that is on TV usually and you can watch it and forget about the slow, dismal march towards your inevitable death. Seeing Cody Ross strike out three times in a game is preferable to staring blankly at the wall and screaming in terror that it's coming for you and that you can't stop it, so Addison Reed giving up a late home run is downright peach in comparison to the cold void approaching...

And, yes, maybe someday down the line, the Diamondbacks will be a better team. You will probably see this happen in your lifetime, and yet you will not feel the joy you had in, say, 2011 when the team had a turnaround. Why? Kevin Towers ate your soul. He ate it up good, and no matter what happens you will be unable to feel joy anything, much less the Diamondbacks, ever again. You will age and wilt away, and Kevin Towers will stand above you laughing, knowing that he is immortal and that your life, and all other lives that aren't his, have no meaning.

.....

ANYWAY, LET'S HAVE FUN THE REST OF THE SEASON, EH?