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Pit Your Wits Week 10: the Snakepit Sells Out


Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

Last week you were challenged to write a style explainer for an aspect of the Diamondbacks:


D. Baxter

Why do the Diamondbacks not have a snake as their mascot?
The theory allegedly involves the lack of limbs resulting in it being difficult to make one which works, and doesn’t look like Mr. Hankey or something worse. I dunno, though: this works for me.

But Isn’t the bobcat the snake’s mortal enemy?
Yes, they are. I think I know where you’re going with this.

So why a frickin’ bobcat? That’s like the Rays having Steve Irwin as a mascot!
Well, back in the days before the financial meltdown, there was a financial group called Bank One. They owned the naming rights to the stadium, so it was called "Bank One Ballpark" or BOB, for short. Hence: a bobcat made sense.

Sense? That sounds like the kind of idea a five-year-old would come up with.
Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner. To be specific, Brantley Bell, five-year-old son of then-Dbacks infielder Jay, came up with that idea in 2000. It’s a fact still listed on his Ole Miss baseball biography.

The park isn’t called BOB any longer.
Nope. Changed in 2005 to Chase Field. Sadly, the window of opportunity for using that to cleanse the park of D. Baxter has closed. Next chance, will probably be when the naming rights expire in 2028. I’m working on a fiendish masterplan to have a megacorporation which will buy them up, and rename it Baxter Sux Park.

So, let me summarize. The mascot was invented by a five-year-old, based on a name that stopped being used almost a decade ago, and depicts a creature that kills and eats the animal after which the team is called.
Yes. I trust, as well as explaining Baxter, this also explains my hatred for him.

But, y’know… The kids!


Q. Are the Dbacks any good?

A. Define "good". I’m sure there are a lot of good people on the team. They are for sure good at losing. However, winning children’s games that involve batting thrown baseballs is not something they’re any good at.

Q. Is there a reason for this?
A. Yes. It involves them allowing the opposing team to run circuits around a diamond-shaped course more often then they run the same course

Q. Is there a way to fix this?
A. Yes. Have What’s-it’s-face the Cubs Mascot stand at first, have the Philly Phanatic stand at second, Dinger at third, and Baxter D. Bobcat stand at home. Those bastards ain’t ever running the bases…

Whatever you've got planned, forget it. I'm the Doctor. I'm from the planet Gallifrey, in the constellation of Kasterborous. I am the Oncoming Storm, the Bringer of Darkness. And you... are basically just a rabbit, aren't you? ~The Doctor
Dodgers HBP this season: 3


What is grit?

Grit is often used to describe the particles of sand which ends up locating itself amongst your unmentionables. It seems fitting that this defining characteristic is a quality the Diamondbacks organization cherishes, even in the broadcast booth. Want to come into work looking like you belong on the set next to Bob Costas in your Sports Jacket and Tie? Not on their watch buddy. Go try your luck at Sanderson Ford.

Grit (aka "want") has helped the Diamondbacks achieve great success in mediocrity. Never in the history of the game has a team achieved a .500 win/loss record two years straight. This prompted a discussion in the front office to potentially change the team name to "The Gritty Mehhh’s". General manager Kevin Towers would have none of this talk and made multiple trade downs to prevent a 3rd such season. Ownership approved of this idea greatly and extended Kevin Towers contract, keeping as much sand in fan’s unmentionables as possible.

Now the gritty nature of the team has managed it’s way into the concession stands with it’s new D-Bat Dog. Truly anyone who can manage to eat this 18-inch blood clot on a stick deserves the label "gritty". For some this would be the final nail in the non-proverbial coffin, however an ever more determined "gritty" D-Back fan will continue to cheer on the teams quest for one more year of .500 baseball. Thus cementing the team’s chances of ending up in Canton as the most mediocre team in baseball history.

After 9 weeks, the standings look like such:

Name Gold Silver Bronze Total Points
Kishi 6 0 0 18
Diamondhacks 2 1 0 8
Jim McLennan 2 1 0 8
Clefo 1 2 0 7
imstillhungry95 0 3 0 6
AzRattler 0 0 4 4
Moranall 0 1 1 3
blank_38 0 1 1 3
SenSurround 0 1 1 3
DbacksSkins 1 0 0 3
Xipooo 0 1 1 3
4 Corners Fan 0 1 0 2
benhat 0 1 0 2
piratedan7 0 1 0 2
Opoohwan 0 1 0 2
Fangdango 0 1 0 2
preston.salisbury 0 0 2 2
hotclaws 0 1 0 2
John Baragona 0 1 0 2
PR151 0 0 1 1
TolkienBard 0 0 1 1

Athletic events are not pure, and haven't been since well before any of our grandpappies or grandmarmies were born. Once radio, and then TV, was married to sport, however, all kinds of advertising was attached to every little thing. The Pepto Bismol call to the bullpen, the Chas Roberts cool play of the game, and so on.

This brings me to this weeks challenge:

Specify one of the broadcasters (either TV or radio), then write a short in-game promo for that broadcaster.

Here's some inspiration:

And remember: if you're not reccin', you're not livin'.

Catch you on the flip side, dudemeisters!