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Diamondbacks 5, Cubs 2: Finally Up to Parra


Brian Kersey

Record: 7-18. Pace: 45-116. Change over 2013: -8. Change over 1997: +7.

Hello, friend!

Today the Kansazona Diamondpackers took on the Chicago Cubs. Did you see the game? I know I did! And boy, was it ever a good one. It featured everything you could want in a baseball game: players, baseballs, bats, gloves, runs, outs, additional and strange portals to other dimensions. I remember the first time I went to the vannosphere. Ha ha ha!

Both teams scored in the first innings, but obviously the D-packs run is the more important of the two, and will described thusly: Gerardo Parra singled to lead off the game, and he crossed the fourth base after the catcher, Miguel Montero hit a double. Isn't baseball so unpredictable?

The Diamondpackers would take a permanent lead in the second inning at the feet of some unlikely players. Chad Pennington walked, because of course he did, then moved to third on a Tony 'The Lip" Campana double. Both would score in the inning, though not at the same time. Pennington Bear would score first in the same play that saw Campana stand on second, because the Cubs are bad at baseball and R KALISH (remember to look up name) committed a throwing error to score Chad. Cubs errors should be called Bearrors.

The Lip would score with the next batter when rookie pitcher Mike Bolsinger knocked the first hit of his career.

Then there were a bunch of innings where nothing happened. Trust me, I saw the game!

Kansazona would tack on two additional runs in the 8th inning, again getting started with Parra getting on base. He would score on a Paul Goldschmidt double, who was subsequently brought home on a Montero single. 5-1, look at all these runs!

It wouldn't be a Diamondpackers game without Oliver Perez giving up a run, though, and he gave up an Anthony Rizzo home run in the bottom of the 8th. what a blast! It either went harmlessly into the bleachers or perhaps out of the park and into the street. Lookout below!

Addison Reed closed things out and the game was won. The Diamondpackers avoided another series loss, which is good because reasons.

Mike Bolsinger didn't have such a hot start when he got the emergency call to face the Dodgers, but he was In Control today.  He ended up going 6 2/3 innings, striking out 7 and allowing only 4 hits.

Source: FanGraphs

Lasers: Mike Bolsinger (27.6%)
Masers: Tony 'The Lip' Campana (13.3%), Miguel Montero (11.2%)
Kaisers: Martin Prado (-6.9%)
Phasers: Roger Kierschnick??? (Who the heck is this?)

See, I told you it was a great game. Lots of other people claim to have also seen this game, and they are as follows: Backin'the'Backs, Cardscrazy247, Circa4life, Clefo, Dallas D'Back Fan, DeadmanG, Diamondhacks, GODSCHMIDT, GuruB, Jim McLennan, JoeCB1991, Makakilo, Moranall, Muu, Red Reign, Robert Merrill, SenSurround, Shawnwck, TolkienBard, Turambar, asteroid, benhat, blank_38, cheese1213, dsadbacks2001, ford.williams.10, hotclaws, imstillhungry95, onedotfive, piratedan7, porty99, preston.salisbury, txzona, and xmet.

Comment of the Game goes to JoeCB1991, because I have it on good authority that this received all the recs:

Bunting is stupid

Cards/Bears/Suns/D-Backs/Yotes/Sun Devils

Carson Palmer, he goes long

Tomorrow the Diamondpackers head home to...Chase C Field?  I don't know. Either way, they play the Illadelph Illies for a three game set. First pitch tomorrow is at 6:40pm Our Time, so be here or be somewhere else.