Diamondbacks 2, Cubs 9: #Twittercap

Record: 5-18. Pace: 35-127. Change on 2013/2010/2004: -8/-6/-5.

This will be a different recap. It should have been imstillhungry85, but this afternoon, I got this plaintive little message:

.@AZSnakepit I need an emergency recap. Badly burned myself at work and headed to the doctor now. Can anyone do that for me?

— Blake Stokes (@chopchopsaute) April 22, 2014

As I mentioned: man, some people will do anything to avoid having to watch the 2014 Diamondbacks. Having already recapped last night, and not really have any interest in watching another fiasco unfold, I figured I'd take the lazy way out and get the Twitterverse to do it for me. Throw out a question each inning, paste the responses = easy recap. Except, of course, the reality is that this has probably taken longer to collate than it would have taken me to write a regular report. However, this was certainly a damn sight more interesting to put together, and many thanks are due to all the Twitters (Twitterers? Tweeters? Tweetees?) who contributed.

1st inning. What are the keys to the game?

@AZSnakepit Believe in the power of friendship, and win it for Skippy the bat boy, currently hospitalized in a fight with scurvy

— Charlie Gebow (@CLEFOAINTACRIME) April 23, 2014

.@AZSnakepit not sucking

— J. Levi Burnfin (@JLBurnfin) April 23, 2014

@hotclaws @AZSnakepit Like that time we won a game. No, wait, that was someone else.

— Rhys Withenshaw (@Rev_RWithenshaw) April 23, 2014

@Rockkstarr11 @AZSnakepit Offense, Defense and Special Teams!

— Mark Firkus (@GuruB_Tucson) April 23, 2014

2nd inning. Why do you think our pitching has been so much worse this season?

@AZSnakepit deception only works when people aren't expecting it.

— Ron (@Goldrumbo) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit Lack of locating pitches, regression, and throwing wrong pitches to the wrong batters. Plus, our pitching was already mediocre.

— Jayopticon (@jayopticon) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit Satan

— Charlie Gebow (@CLEFOAINTACRIME) April 23, 2014

3td inning. What's good about the 2014 Diamondbacks?

@AZSnakepit Their uniforms are clean.

— Frank Rubio (@_FrankRubio) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit #GoldschmidtedOn

— sharon sponcel (@sharonsponcel) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit Tickets are going to be very cheap on Stubhub

— Joe B (@JoeCB91) April 23, 2014

Will the team escape this horrible start?

@AZSnakepit I wish I knew. Seems like eventually they HAVE to play better or catch a break somewhere.

— WendyB (@wendy_bien) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit Yes, because no matter how bad we are we'll start 0-0 next year.

— Rhys Withenshaw (@Rev_RWithenshaw) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit Yeah they will get better, but the hole has already been dug, and it is quite deep.

— Joe B (@JoeCB91) April 23, 2014

5th inning. McCarthy looks solid... So far... What's your opinion of him this season?

@AZSnakepit unlucky. stuff has looked good IMO

— Gabby Dearth (@the_real_gabby) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit Good stuff, bad luck

— Ray Flicker (@PR151) April 23, 2014

@hotclaws @AZSnakepit Coulda been Bronson Arroyo

— St.Nicholas Kane (@CM_Punn) April 23, 2014

6th inning. Who do you hold most responsible for the wretched start to the season?

@AZSnakepit Towers, for not doing what it took to get a #1 starter. Even with a healthy Corbin this is at best a .500 team, as they showed.

— Dan James (@danjmcs) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit Kendrick, for ever hiring Towers

— Don Crowe (@BigChinoDon) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit Gibson and the whole coaching staff.

— Bob (@coldblueAZ) April 23, 2014

7th inning. What are you looking for in the rest of the season?

This was a good one. Lots of interesting answers here, from the acerbic to the ever-hopeful.

@AZSnakepit a team ERA under 7

— Babbling Brooks (@funbrooksie) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit hoping co-workers like my $10pair of baseball tixs when their team comes to town. I have an Aussie trip to pay for.

— Maureen O'Brien (@Webbgem55) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit Maybe a buried chest of pirate gold. But, I mean, not the kind with a crazy curse, obviously.

— Devin Jessup (@kennokishi) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit A firesale that keeps the important cogs in our future (e.g. Bradley, Goldy, Parra, etc.)

— Michelle Harris (@catcrazy247) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit WINNING! its still early, can't give up on the @dbacks!!

— Cristi Antle (@Cristidbacks) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit A stiff drink

— Charles Woodall-Pike (@CactusOnIce) April 23, 2014

And a particularly plaintive:

@CLEFOAINTACRIME @AZSnakepit Not to burn my hand

— Blake Stokes (@chopchopsaute) April 23, 2014

8th inning. Which is a bigger problem: our hitting or our pitching?

@AZSnakepit The hitting is at least effective at times. Pitching is nonexistent

— Goldy's Forearms (@GoldysForearms) April 23, 2014

@azsnakepit Our pitching, our hitters get so overwhelmed by always being down 5-0 that they have to press to score that they try to hard.

— Sam Roden (@Samr7) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit why can't we get free tacos when the opponents score 6 or more runs?

— Paul (@paulvcalabrese) April 23, 2014

9th inning. Why are we still here? #Existential #Angst

Yeah, let's end with a deep, philosophical question about the meaning of (baseball) life. And another bumper bunch of answers...

@AZSnakepit because we waited all offseason for Dbacks baseball & there's nothing better to do.

— Ron (@Goldrumbo) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit We forgot to bring the white flag?

— Bob (@coldblueAZ) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit .Just waiting (for Godot) for the big rally.

— Coyote22 (@_Coyotes22) April 23, 2014

And a certain theme in the next few here...

"@AZSnakepit: 9th inning #Twittercap question. Why are we still here? #existential #angst" masochists

— Katie (@KatieMarek) April 23, 2014

@Goldrumbo @_FrankRubio @AZSnakepit because we're all masochistic. We like the pain.

— Jordyn Kube (@princessxjx) April 23, 2014

"@AZSnakepit: 9th inning #Twittercap question. Why are we still here? #existential #angst" emotional cutters

— Babbling Brooks (@funbrooksie) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit because God hates us

— Charlie Gebow (@CLEFOAINTACRIME) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit Because we still have to recap games, I think.

— Devin Jessup (@kennokishi) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit Better than watching NBA Eastern Conference Playoffs!

— Will Jones (@azstatman) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit gluttony

— Bill (@bmain249) April 23, 2014

@AZSnakepit Football season hasn't started yet.

— Doug Anderson (@dowian2) April 23, 2014

Thanks a million to everyone who took part, and apologies to anyone who I had to miss out, because this is already longer than a usual recap! Maybe we'll do it again some time. But, on the whole, I'd rather the D-backs started winning, and people didn't feel it necessary to engage in self-harm to get out of their recaps!

Get well soon, ish95...

[Click to enlarge, at fangraphs.com]
Viral Tweet: Randall Delgado, +1.4%
Hacked account: Brandon McCarthy, -17.6%

Over in the regular Gameday Thread, TolkienBard was out in front, but there was a three-way tie for second place, between preston.salisbury, onedotfive and JoeCB1991. Also taking part (outside of the Twitter): 4 Corners Fan, AF DBacks Fanatic, BulldogsNotZags, Clefo, Diamondhacks, GODSCHMIDT, GuruB, JoelPre, Majabe, Makakilo, PR151, RobbieFVK, Toll Booth Willie, asteroid, catbat, cheese1213, dsadbacks2001, hotclaws, imstillhungry95, smartplays, txzona and xmet. TolkienBard also gets comment of the night for his response to GuruB saying he'd go on a hunger strike until the Diamondbacks win three in a row::

We're back at Wrigley tomorrow, for their 100th anniversary, so be prepared for a different look to the D-backs. It's also a day game, with first pitch a little after 11am in Arizona.