clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Pit Your Wits Week 2: True Grit

Fire up the Macbook Air you got for graduating from Reed College with a degree in Comparative Semiotics, it's Pit Your Wits time!

Last week I challenged you to craft the crime that would get a Diamondback sentenced to live in Australia. After tallying the votes, the winners are:

First Place (tie)


Port authorities immediatley booked Collmenter

for his ‘long relief’ from the Sydney Harbour Bridge

How you play the game is for college ball. When you're playing for money, winning is the only thing that matters. - Durocher

Ken Kendrick

For the criminal lack of nacho slides in Chase Field.

"An unknown person did something that no one else saw, the nature and extent of which is impossible to determine, and the result of which will be lost in the chaotic chain of causation and consequence that is history."
- Welcome To Night Vale

Second Place (tie)


Turner Ward (Coaches count, right?)

For brutally assaulting the dugout rail during the Brawl

Whatever you've got planned, forget it. I'm the Doctor. I'm from the planet Gallifrey, in the constellation of Kasterborous. I am the Oncoming Storm, the Bringer of Darkness. And you... are basically just a rabbit, aren't you? ~The Doctor

Historical accurate winner:

Brandon McCarthy

just for being Irish.

Poets are like baseball pitchers. Both have their moments. The intervals are the tough things.
Robert Frost

D. Baxter

For crimes against humanity. i.e. existing.

Mark Grace

For an overconsumption of "hops," and attempting to operate a kangaroo while intoxicated (KWI)

*Sorry Gracie, I do still love you lol

Third Place


Heath Bell

For trying to disguise himself as closer

P. Corbin

For ripping out the hearts of D’backs fans.

My name is not O'Houigheighi nor is it Brian

Wow, that was fun! You guys are more clever than me, I should just let you collectively write this. I can pay in microwave popcorn that expired in 2009.

Writing for any platform on a regular basis is difficult, but, if I can inject a little personal opinion, it feels more difficult on the internet because of the sheer scope of the universe. Web writing is the universe expanding immediately after the Big Bang. Some of it will eventually lead to great things, but most of it is burning hot gas.

Stiff competition abounds regardless of the topic, but the softer entertainment topics have the most bloat, if for no reason other than the low barriers of entry. Previously we were robots that had no mouths but had to scream. Now we have mouths, so we all scream.

With such a large pool to draw from, you might think that there at least would be diversity in voices. Unfortunately, infotainment opinion writing approaches singularity, especially on the sites that position themselves as alternatives to the traditional, bloated platforms such as ESPN. Deadspin and SBNation might be the biggest, but countless imitators rush to CTRL-V every posture, and now the alternative looks to be its own establishment.

What are some of the hallmarks of this new hegemony?

The default facial expression is full smirk. We imagine ourselves shining a light on the darkness, not buying in the lies and crap, and nothing is going to escape mockery. Irony rules the day, but when we'll show authenticity occasionally, especially if it's in the service of outrage. And Don't Forget To Over Capitalize And use Too Many footnotes.

Basically, the internet is some kind of hell where everyone is David Foster Wallace.

This week's challenge:

You're a writer for an alternative sports opinion website, and you want to show your snowflakiness and wit. Write your best 'Diamondbacks' and 'grit' joke, and watch your pageviews jump!

As always, entries will need to be in the comments below before the end of next Tuesday. Rec the entries you like, and don't get stingy, you scamps!