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Footbaw Is Back, Please Don't Talk to Me

Baseball season isn't over yet. The Diamondbacks might be dead in the brush, but that doesn't mean I want to be bored by your concussion extravaganza.

Christian Petersen

This week signals a change. You might not notice it at first, but the end of the week you'll be inundated talk about football.

Hey, check out fantasy team! Did you see that Thursday Night Game Between The Ravens and Broncos? Instant classic, a game already being described as on a Thursday? Oh man, I totes took the spread. Made a bundle. Yeah, got this great sports bar to go to, it's a little That One Annoying Team centric, but who cares - footbaw. FOOOOTBAW.

So anyways, about the Diamondba-

Did you see DID YOU SEE what Johnnnny Footbaw did I can't believe it. And those upsets! That one team no one has heard but I have because I watch the tape. Gotta watch the tape. McNeese. McNeese. MACNeese? McNeese.

Okay, but Martin Pra-

Did you read that Deadspin series about Why Your Team sucks? So true. So true. Except my team, that was a bunch of crap. Zone read, yeah you like, um, split the Tampa 2 with pistol hurry up Wilbur swing.

Now you're just stringing together random words.

You're just bitter that your teams are terrible.

Possibly partially, but there is a morally problemati-

Yo, check this out.

That's just a corkboard with-- wait. Is that a takeout menu for Qwik Chinese? Why is that connected to Tony Romo? This seriously looks like what a possessed little kid makes in a Japanese horror film.

It's my System. Definitely gonna win the office pool this year. See this? Part owner in the Packers, isn't that baller? I don't even like them, never gonna turn my back on My Team, but can't not own a piece of history.

I'm going back to my desk now.

Look, I get it. You're excited about footbaw. And the Diamondbacks are just going to be running out the clock, to use an analogy that might relevant to your interests, so why not talk about footbaw? All I ask is maybe use a little visual cues to find out if the person you're yammering to about double A gap blitzes even cares.

  1. Do they have a glazed over look in their eyes?
  2. Are they looking at the clock, or their wrist where a watch used to be back in the Olde Days
  3. Are you the only one talking about footbaw?

Oh gd, he's back. Excuse me while I jam these pencils in my ears.