clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Pit Your Wits Week 14: All-Star Breakage

Help us spice up All-Star two-day period!

Christian Petersen

Last week, I told you guys to write the intro to a incredibly bad sports column, and you did not disappoint. Or, to put it more accurately, you disappointed the human race quite a bit.

First Place - Zavada's Moustache - 6 Recs


Now, all my readers know that I’m not one to jump to conclusions, but I think it’s fair to say that Yasiel Puig is in the middle of probably the greatest season in the history of Major League Baseball. It’s not just the numbers, which bloggers will bandy about until their mothers call them out of the basement for supper, but rather it’s the cache with which he carries himself in one of baseball’s most prestigeous markets. In a time of PLUMMETING ATTENDANCE and DECLINING WORLD SERIES RATINGS, Puig may be the last reason to keep baseball relevant in a nation that’s rapidly outgrowing its favorite pastime.
Just observe last month’s brawl with the division-leading Diamondbacks. Terrified of facing Puig, the Snakes pitcher (whose name I cannot recall and won’t sully Internet Explorer by searching) BLATANTLY AND WITH CLEAR INTENT hit MLB’s Mozart in the cranium. This would have been a perfect time for Puig to lose control, but he held it together through the savvy of a 15-year veteran for 25 whole minutes, only fighting to come to the rescue of a fallen teammate, and even then only to keep the raging colussus known as Eric Hinske from doing further damage. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the team has rallied behind their young savant, and that the Snakes have scuffled. The moral is clear: baseball knows that Puig deserves the playoffs, and won’t allow any headhunters to stand in his path.

Paul Goldschmidt looks at Tim Lincecum and says "We are going to foxtrot, and I will always lead."

Second Place - blank_38 - 5 Recs

Tim Tebow in the MLB? It'll happen tomorrow

Tim Tebow recently signed an NFL contract to play for the Patriots, which by the way was an excellent signing. When Tom Brady goes down by injury, my best friend will be there to take the team to his 2ND CHAMPIONSHIP THAT YEAR. You heard me correctly. The D-Backs NEED to sign Tim Tebow to start for them at any position they want. He’s the total package: Power to all fields, A dynamite left-arm, Speed, and most of all, GRIT. Kevin, if you sign him, he will lead you to an undefeated 2nd half of the season, a playoff berth, and your FIRSTCHAMPIONSHIP as a GM. MARK MY WORDS KEVIN.

Your constant harassment of the female gender makes me sick.

Third Place - soco - 4 Recs


The Diamondbacks are a joke. Who thought hiring Kevin Towers to run around this sinking ship was a good idea? If I was manager, I wouldn’t sign any of the guys he brought in. They’re like the Lebron of baseball. Towers’ decisions are stupider than an ASU business major after Rush Week. Why does MLB even allow a franchise there? Uncle Bud should create some new ‘competitive balance’ rules that will make the Diamondbacks self-deport to a better sports market, like Los Angeles. Call it MLB-1040.

I saw it with my WIZARD eyes!

Standings at the moment:

imstillhungry95 22
Zavada's Moustache 21
Jim McLennan 18
Diamondhacks 16
blank_38 13
piratedan7 10
soco 10
AVJ19 7
SenSurround 6
kishi 6
Dirtdawg90 4
TimInTucson 4
BlackedOutInUt 3
preston.salisbury 3
rd33 2
TylerO 1

This week: The All-Star Break is upon us soon. Usually this involves The Futures Game, The Home Run Derby, The Celebrity Softball Game, and The All-Star Game(TM) itself! (Did you know that this time it counts?) And there's usually some awkward performances from various bands! Gin Blossoms! Live! The Ataris! Rascal Flatts! Lil' Jon Rapping Over A Metric Song!

Am I breathing underwater?


You might be saying "Clefo, this sounds perfect!" I agree, but we can always make things better!

Your challenge: Come up with a new All-Star Game(TM) event. That is the only criterion I am giving you, so you have free reign. Post yours, rec the ones you like, and we'll see what will appear at the 2014 MLB All-Star Game(TM) at Target Field(TM) in Minneapolis!