San Diego Padres: /swigs can of Tecate Light. "It's like, they don't even notice us, you know? Man, we've been in this division together for, like, a bunch of years and they just don't even care."
Arizona Diamondbacks: "I know, man. And, like, we shouldn't even care about them, know what I mean? They suck. They spent a bunch of money on guys, and they still suck. It's like, get off your high horse already."
Padres: "But no, they think they're so important, just because they won a few titles like a long time ago."
Diamondbacks: "And now they have idiot bandwagon fans in all of our stadiums..."
Padres: "Showing up late and leaving early..."
Diamondbacks: "And whenever they get some fancy new player..."
Padres: "The media makes it 'Mannywood' all over again..."
Diamondbacks: "It just makes you want to..."
Padres: "I feel like I need to..."
Unison: "...beat the s**t out of Zack Greinke!"
(They look at each other, as if for the first time. Link.)
Diamondbacks: "You know, who even needs the Dodgers? They don't care about us. They're still fixated on those nerds from San Francisco."
Padres: "Yeah. We can have our own rivalry!"
Diamondbacks: "Who cares about the media? We don't need media attention to know that Chase Headley and Paul Goldschmidt are awesome! It'll just be about you and me."
Padres: "Darn right! We can go back to my place!"
Diamondbacks: "Well, I don't know about that, Petco's sorta..."
Padres: "Every game will be a pitching nightmare!"
Diamondbacks: "Yeah, I mean, that's not really what I had in mind..."
Padres: "Think of all the Wade Miley/Jason Marquis matchups!"
Diamondbacks: "You're not really selling this at all..."
Padres: "So, what'd'ya say?"
Diamondbacks: "Yeah, I mean, on second thought...You guys are great, really, it's just...I mean, we're in first place...It wouldn't look good."
Diamondbacks: "Look, once you guys get some healthy pitchers, I dunno, maybe we can talk?"
Padres: "You know as well as I do that will never, ever happen."
DISCLAIMER: These first two numbers are park-adjusted, which is normally fine, because I think it gives a more accurate sense of how teams are doing relative to their environment. However, Fangraphs uses a five-year park adjustment, which doesn't take into account things like Petco changing its dimensions, for example. So use the Padre park factors at your own risk.
Unfortunately, the punch line to this series of Padre jokes is that the Padres are playing really well at the moment. Since starting off the season 5-15, San Diego has put up a really quiet 27-19 record that has them way closer to the division lead than anyone should be comfortable with.
Also, they're doing this despite getting -2.2 fWAR from their pitching staff. I think I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: this team, which plays half of their games in what's still one of the most pitcher-friendly environments in baseball, would be right in the playoff race with a rotation that's even replacement level, let alone average.