Diamondbacks 9, Dodgers 2: Carl Crawford Needs to Watch Tom Emanski Videos

I am joined tonight in our recap by guest analyst and apparent local celebrity, Ron Wolfley, let's give him a hand folks.

"HELLO CLEFO, GLAD TO BE HERE."

Thanks Ron, now the Dodgers got on the board in the first inning when Nick Punto walked on some pitches that looked like strikes. He got to third on a single and Matt Kemp brought him home with a sacrifice fly.

"HE BAGGED IT AND TAGGED IT, MY BROTHER!"

That he did, Ron! But hope was not lost for D'Backs fans! With runners on first and second with two outs, Trevor Cah-

"DO YOU LIKE FRY'S?"

...Yeah, there's one like a few blocks from my apartment.

"BECAUSE THEY HAVE FAMOUS LOW PRICES"

They can be inexpensive, yes, but about Trevor Cahill-

"YOU SHOULD BRING HOME A HUNK OF MEAT FOR YOUR WARRIOR QUEEN!"

Is that a euphemism?

"WARRIOR. QUEEN."

I'm single, Ron, but I'll keep that in mind. Anyway, Trevor Cahill hit a blooper off of Dodger starter Chris Capuano that went to Carl Crawford, who decided to dive for it. He missed, badly.

"TRY GOING IN YOUR ROOM AND RUBBING YOUR ELBOW ON A TABLE SAW, THAT'S WHAT THAT MISS WAS LIKE."

...Sure, anyway it got by Crawford and the two runners scored and Cahill was able to make it to third with a triple. A.J. Pollock then got a hustle double that scored Cahill that made the score 3-1 in favor of the D'Backs. The Dodgers answered back in the third-

"GET A COLONOSCOPY AT 50!"

That is actually sound advice, but I should note that I myself am barely half that age.

"THE FOLKS AT SCOTTSDAL-"

I live in Tucson!

"PERFECT GAME......................... IN BOWLING!"

I'm trying to get through this game, Ron!

"I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP UNLESS I PUNCH A DRIFTER ON 7TH AVENUE! ARF ARF"

Uh..

"DO YOU KNOW BILL BRASKY?"

Okay, that was radio personality Ron Wolfley, thanks for, uh, stopping by.

Anyway, Carl Crawford made up a little for his fielding woes by hitting a solo shot in the third. The Dodgers threatened for more in that inning, but Cahill got noted local college alumni Andre Eithier to ground into a double play to end it.

The top of the fifth produced a weird moment. Didi Gregorius apparently flew out to Crawford. However, in the exchange between glove and hand, Crawford dropped the ball and the umpires ruled Didi safe at second (which he hustled to, cause everyday Didi is hustlin.) Pedantic implementation of a rule? Probably, but Paul Goldschmidt followed that event with a two-run blast to make it 5-2. Cody Ross then hit his first home run as a member of the Diamondbacks to make it 6-2. That chased Capuano from the game.

It should be noted that Paul Goldschmit's career stats vs. Capuano make his stats against Lincecum look tame.

#Dbacks and back to Goldschmidt, who hits two-run homer to center. He is 12 of 15 with 3 HRs, 9 RBIs against Capuano. #Dbacks 5-2

— Jack Magruder (@JackMagruder) May 7, 2013

Cahill would leave after the seventh with a line of 7.0 IP, 2 ER, 6 H, 2 K, 3 BB. A solid line, to be sure.

"HE REALLY PUNCHED THEM OUT. HI I'M RON WOLFLEY FOR WIN MAX PUNCHING BAGS-"

*ahem* The Dodgers would never really threaten beyond that. Matt Kemp had a single in the eighth off of Matt Reynolds, but he decided to stretch it to a double. He was unsuccessful." The D'Backs added three more runs in the top of the ninth on RBI singles by Goldschmidt, Miguel Montero, and birthday boy Gerardo Parra to make it 9-2. Brad Ziegler would pitch a perfect ninth to close out the win.

"THEY REALLY HIT THEM HARD. THAT WAS LIKE GOING IN YOUR ROOM AND SMASHING YOUR HEAD INTO A WAFFLE IRON THAT HAD BACON ON IT, MY BROTHER!"

Bagged it: Trevor Cahill (Hitting), +22.3%
Tagged it: Paul Goldschmidt, +17.8%
Hunk of meat: Josh Wilson, -23.8%

"He (Goldschmidt) was batting .750 against Capuano going into the game... He will probably put Capuano down on the form as a dependent."

— Vin Scully Tweets (@VinScullyTweet) May 7, 2013

Well my, uh, thanks to Ron Wolfley for "helping" with this recap... Ironically I don't recall seeing one of the 400 different ads he's in on the broadcast today. The universe is strange. Brandon McCarthy takes on Josh Beckett tomorrow.