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The D-backs in 2014: Non-serious prediction edition

Tomorrow starts a new year: what will it bring for Arizona? Let's gaze deep into our crystal baseballs, and see what the future holds. [Future subject to change]

In a desperate effort to compete, the Dodgers trap Paul Goldschmidt in the Matrix.
In a desperate effort to compete, the Dodgers trap Paul Goldschmidt in the Matrix.
Rob Grabowski-USA TODAY Sports

January: When the team fails to sign Masahiro Tanaka, Kevin Towers announces that alphabetical order is the new grit, and signs David Aardsma to a three-year deal as our "top of the rotation starter."

February: Spring training gets under way, but the pre-season is dominated by news that the Cubs don't like their new park. They demand Mesa instead move the Taj Mahal brick by brick from its India location, as a replacement facility. The city mutters something about car-rental tax and agrees.

March: The D-backs lose on Opening Day, and the Dodgers celebrate in the newly-installed pool at the Sydney Cricket Ground. However, they don't notice the great white shark installed by Arizona, and we cruise to an easy victory in the second game, over the three surviving LA roster members.

April. The team's rotational depth is tested early due to the late arrival of Wade Miley, who spends the first three weeks of the season in Austria, wondering where the rest of the team is.

May 27. Annual Brandon McCarthy disabled list stint begins (US observance only). Oh, wait: I'm sorry, that appears to have strayed in from tomorrow's "D-backs in 2014: serious prediction edition." Please carry on.

June. SnakePitFest proves a memorable one, after edbigghead's heckling provokes Yasiel Puig in to climbing the outfield wall at Chase. The resulting merciless pummeling of the Dodgers outfielder goes unpunished, when the 37,385 people in attendance say they saw absolutely nothing.

July. Revolutionaries from and the Kevin Towers Liberation Front take advantage of the All-Star break to stage an invasion of this site. After fierce and bloody fighting for control of Fanposts and the Google hangouts, they are repelled.

August. The D-backs, in association with the SnakePit, hold the first ever Ponydome at Chase Field. The evening is marred by tragedy in the Legends Race, as Twilight Sparkle fractures a rainbow and has to be put down.

September: David Aardsma wins his 20th game, sealing the NL West for us with a complete-game shutout of the Rockies in Coors, and going on to win the National League Cy Young by unanimous acclaim.

October: However, the Diamondbacks then lose in the NLCS to the Giants, behind 2014's Most Valuable Player, Tony Abreu. In related news, Brad Ziegler enrolls at the Art Institute of Phoenix.

November: The team announces a new television contract with Fox Sports Arizona. Ken Kendrick starts negotiations at one hundred billion dollars, but is negotiated down to one million - though does also get frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads for the pool.

December: The Diamondbacks are involved in fierce bidding for the latest Japanese superstar pitcher, Aaaaaaba Aaaaaaaaaaaaabaki. After questions are raised over his 999-0 W-L record and ERA of -9.99, he turns out to be a user-created player from MLB: The Show 2014. The Yankees still sign him to a 99-year deal.