D-Backs Report Card: Jingle Bells

There's a lot of ways to approach holiday gift giving. You could get tremendously in debt and have to rely on layaways and using up the equity in your house, and causing another national financial meltdown. Or you could think really hard and get people that incredibly meaningful gift, the gift that makes the exchange kind of awkward because the other person only got you a gift card. And of course, there's the practical gift.

The specialty of out-of-touch relatives and terrible coworkers everywhere, the practical gift aims to improve the life of the recipient. Not all practical gifts are bad, of course, because sometimes people really want something that will make their life easier. You certainly don't want to make a habit of giving them, though.

We have no official relationship with the D-backs or their players, regardless of what some conspiracy theorist might believe, so we're not bound to social niceties. No, here at the 'PIt we're all about the cold hard truth, and also snark. So without further ado, I present the presents that our favorite (or perhaps not) Diamondbacks might need for 2012 and beyond:

Brandon McCarthy - A real, authentic football helmet, just like the pros wear. It can get a little rough out there, and I’ve been seeing all these commercials by the NFL about head safety. I wouldn’t want you to get flattened by a wild Pablo Sandoval. I wasn’t sure what team you’d like, so I picked the Cardinals since no one can feign any sort of strong feeling about them. But I did get you a gift receipt, just in case.

Paul Goldschmidt - A Tim Lincecum lunch bag. Sometimes you want to forego eating at the cafeteria and want to bring your own lunch to work. This bag would be able to fit in all your sandwiches, bags of goldfish crackers, and that thermos and much more. And because it is property of Tim Lincecum, you will be able to let people know that you regularly eat his lunch.

Cody Ross - Pacific Blue Non Prescription Contact Lenses. Why would we give you these? You see, people would like to make eye contact with you while talking to you and not have their soul leave their body within three seconds. If one were to stare too long, they themselves would be transported to Nessus, the final level of the Nine Hells, also known as Baator. So yeah, do us a solid and wear these so we can avoid that.

New first-base coach Steve Sax: A nail-gun, for use on Willie Bloomquist.

Justin Upton - A really nice, permanent home in Arizona. Mrs. SnakePit is willing to be the broker. :)

Cliff Pennington - A rear-view mirror, so he can see Didi Gregorius coming.

Heath Bell - Train and Maroon 5’s newest albums because he seems like he likes terrible music

Adam Eaton - An autographed trading card from the other Adam Eaton, to help in check-cashing.

Joe Paterson - A copy of the Happy Fun Party Travel Guide to Reno.

Aaron Hill - A Bicycle. You can use it for exercise during the offseason and it can be used as a way to get around without having to drive, which will save you money on gas and is better for our environment!

These can't be the only players who deserve presents. Got any (safe for work) presents you want to share?