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What Google Tells Us About The Diamondbacks

You may have noticed that, these days, when you start typing in to Google, it immediately starts to offer helpful suggestions as to content. For instance, the letter "f" gets you Facebook, Fox News, FedEx and Fry's Food (I'm assuming the latter is geographically-slanted).

Ralph Freso

This is largely based on what previous people who started their search off with the letter F were looking for, so can give you some insight into what is being looked up. Where it gets interesting is when you put in someone's name, and see what appears thereafter. For instance, "Justin Bieber" gets you "Twitter", "Tickets"...and "throws up", a reference to a recent nasty incident at an Arizona show that went viral.

So what does Google suggest for members of the Diamondbacks roster, current and (after the past few days) not-so current? To find out, I bravely typed in their names... I've discounted blandly generic things like "stats", "Twitter", "contract", and "Justin Upton trade rumors", because where's the fun in that? There are also cases where the results frankly weren't that interesting e.g. "Willie Bloomquist injury", or where there were others with the same name: Aaron Hill is also apparently the name of an actor "most famous for his portrayal of "Beaver" on the television show Greek." Must be some new definition of the word "famous," of which I was previously unaware...

Trevor Bauer: Obama

A Bauer Tweet causing controversy? Surely not... After one of the Presidential debates, he Tweeted. "Obama looked childish and petty tonight. I'm ashamed that he is commander in chief of this great nation." No prizes for guessing what kind of reaction that provoked - though I suspect most of his critics would not have been anywhere near as upset if it had been an anti-Romney Tweet. To Bauer's credit, as the LA Times put it, he "stood his ground and calmly debated the matter with his detractors." Really, the best thing about Twitter is getting raw, unfiltered access to athletes. We can't complain when the opinions they express there do not gibe with our own.

Heath Bell: Slide

Okay, hands up all those who expected "fat". I'm pleased to report that's not the case, and the only thing of note to report with our new closer set-up man reliever of some kind goes back to the All-Star Game held at Chase Field in 2011. If you'd forgotten, when called out of the NL bullpen, Bell whizzed in, at such a rate that he left the steadicam operator trailing in his wake (in a scene reminiscent of the USS Enterprise achieving warp speed). On approaching the mound he chosen mode of deceleration involved a method which got him on the Chase Field groundkeeper's hit list. I believe weeks of negotiation with the staff were involved before his trade back here was approved.


Trevor Cahill: No-hitter

Which is odd, because Cahill has never thrown a no-hitter. Nor, indeed, has he apparently come particularly close. The best I can find was in his September 5 start last season where, with a little help from Adam Eaton in his second-ever major-league game, he took a no-hitter into the seventh against the Giants, before it was broken up by a Marco Scutaro single [Scutaro would score after Cahill was lifted, courtesy of our Master of Inherited Runners, Mike Zagurski]. This may have been a temporary glitch, since when I went back just now to Google, to try and reproduce it, this option no longer appeared. Still - I've written the damn paragraph, so I'm sticking with it.

Josh Collmenter: Mustache

There was a good deal of attention paid to Collmenter late on in this season, when he adopted the handlebar mustache, of a kind previously seen on the face of Clay Zavada. But this was nothing new for Josh. Back in July 2008, when he was pitching for the South Bend Silver Hawks, a similar approach to grooming led to one of his starts becoming "Josh Collmenter Mustache Awareness Night" at Coveleski Stadium. For this event, "Mustachioed fans will receive free admission to the contest, and those without a mustache will be given one as they enter the ballpark." I'm surprised his 'tache hasn't got its own Twitter account by now.

Paul Goldschmidt: Jewish

No, he's not - much though I'm certain mrssoco would like to claim him as one of their people. There is some doubt about the precise reasoning why. One source states, "Jewish father, Christian mother, raised Christian." But another says Goldschmift's situation is similar to other ex-Diamondbacks David Eckstein and Wally Backman, not Jewish on either side. Does it matter? No, of course. But just as my ears perk up at the mention of any baseball player whose name starts with Mc [the D-backs having just acquired their third such], it's understandable that people will see Goldzilla's name and show interest.

Eric Hinske: Tattoo

Arizona has recently been a haven for the heavily tattooed, with Ryan Roberts and Jon Rauch the two most obvious members of the group. In Hinske, the team has someone who might arguably have them beat, though you probably wouldn't know it on the field, as his forearms, neck, etc. are not like RyRo or Rauch, being unscathed. But when he takes his shirt off... Holy fillet of fink, as Debra Morgan might put it. He told reporters before the 2010 season, that the design cost him $5,000 and took two off-seasons to complete. I suspect this means that Hinske will probably not see out the twilight of his career in the Japanese leagues.

Miguel Montero: Walk-up Song

This isn't much of a surprise if you'd been to Chase and heard the bizarre sounds that occasionally preceded Miggy's arrival at the dish. That one is Chacarron Macarron, usually abbreviated to Chacarron, by Panamanian reggaeton artists El Chombo and Andy De La Cruz, with lyrics probably too incomprehensible to qualify as gibberish. It has drifted in and out of favor with Montero, as his fortunes at the plate wax and wane - baseball players are a superstitious bunch, and we all know how a slump can be averted by changing your walk-up music. So he has also used things like Michel Telo's song, Ai Se Eu Te Pego, But that's far less likely to generate any hits.

Wil Nieves: Wife

Specifically, Yormarie Nieves, a fomer model from Puerto Rico. Though the first hit is not some swimsuit calendar, but the rather touching story of their efforts to have a child, which were eventually successful in August 2010. He's not alone here. Eric Chavez (married to Alex) gets the same result, and it's also one of the suggestions for a number of other D-backs, including Jason Kubel and Montero - Brandon McCarthy doesn't, but that's perhaps because Google suggestions are more inclined to his last injury. Still, it does seem as if the Diamondbacks have their fair share of attractive spouses. I expect a Bleacher Report gallery of "HOT ARIZONA WAGs!" in 3...2...1...

Gerardo Parra: Height

No, probably best if we don't get into this...

Bryan Shaw: Arrested

"COOLIDGE, Ariz. -- Authorities have identified the body found in Picacho Lake earlier this week. The Coolidge Police Department has confirmed that Denise Shaw was pulled from the water on Monday afternoon. While police continue their investigation, they have announced that they arrested Shaw’s husband, Bryan Shaw, last weekend in a separate case." Ah, that explained his struggles this year. Oh, hang on - different Bryan Shaw, though spelled the same way, and who, coincidentally, beat someone else up with a baseball bat. I apologize to Bryan for the mix-up: now he's out of Arizona, there should be less confusion, and he can carry on with his non-felonious relief pitching. :)