The Kelly Kommandments

There are good people and bad people in baseball, and that goes for not just how good they are at the game, but how truly awesome the good ones are and how totally evil the bad ones are. Many Snakepit veterans will recall the Reynolds Rules and the Winn Sins. These were all true expositions of how Mark Reynolds is awesome at baseball, totally manly, and holds a doctorate in kickassery. On the other hand, the Winn Sins explained how Randy Winn has wrought terror and misfortune upon humankind for millennia -- and not just recently, when his numbers against Dbacks pitching are insane. For example,

Chuck Norris wears Mark Reynolds pajamas.

Randy Winn swapped the helium in the Hindenburg for hydrogen.

See how this works?

Well, it started like this, an IM conversation tonight with an ex-gf of mine:


(7:03:24 PM) Me: yeah but Julie Andrews is old, so she doesn't qualify.

(7:03:31 PM) Her: she is so incredible

(7:04:46 PM) Me: how so?

(7:05:10 PM) Me: she's a person. it's not like she's Kelly Johnson or anything. (who is a god)

(7:05:50 PM) Her: she's so talented

(7:06:07 PM) Her: consistently talented

(7:06:47 PM) Me: true

(7:06:56 PM) Me: but could she lead the majors in home runs?

(7:07:00 PM) Me: yeah. I rest my case.

(7:07:35 PM) Her: could he star in The Sound of Music?

(7:07:47 PM) Me: oh, I bet he totally could.

(7:08:08 PM) Me: plus he would've kicked all those Nazis' asses and everyone would have been much happier. WWII wouldn't have happened.

(7:08:26 PM) Her: I am not going to attempt to address all the errors in that sentence


I got to thinking -- Kelly Johnson's totally sweet start to this season means he definitely deserves a set of his own rules. Call them, the Kelly Kommandments?

I'll start:

1. Kelly Johnson is on a boat!

2. Kelly Johnson has a girl's name, but NOBODY MAKES FUN. EVER.

3. (To recycle a Reynolds Rule) There are no no-hitters. Only games in which Kelly Johnson has yet to bat.

You get the idea.