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Apocalypse Now, or how the Diamondbacks prevented the end of the world as we know it

12:15 am. Scientists activate Large Hadron Collider on Swiss-French border.

12:20 am. High-energy collision of sub-atomic particles create voracious black-hole, which threatens to swallow entire planet.

12:25 am. Gurgling Vortex of Astrophysical Suck meets Gurgling Vortex of Diamondbacks suck.

12:30 am. Black hole realizes it cannot possibly compete with recent Arizona results in terms of pure, undiluted suckage, and evaporates in shower of extremely-embarrassed radiation.

12:35 am. Jon Rauch eats the remnants. Catastrophe averted!