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Diamondbacks 3, Marlins 10: A Better Game When Decoded

Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Record: 53-71. Pace: 69-93. Change on 2013/2010: -12/+4.

In three innings, Josh Collmenter gave up three hits and one run, striking out two and walking none, while throwing around 50 pitches. The only problem was that those three innings came after a first inning in which he walked one and gave up four hits, two of which probably went a combined 775 feet, possibly 800. Shockingly, the shorter of the two was hit by Giancarlo Stanton, who was more likely to be held in by the roof than the wall. Had he straightened it out, it might well have traveled 600 feet. As it was, it settled into the bullpen after flying higher than Tim Lincecum trying to relax before facing Goldy. Garrett Jones decided to go the direct route, roping one into the back wall of the Marlins' bullpen in right.

Of course, it would be better if we could just pretend the first inning didn't exist. The D-backs bats showed up that inning, with Peralta getting a single and a couple of walks loading the bases. Jake Lamb decided to swing at ball four, and it was all downhill from there. The D-backs did manage a couple runs in the sixth to give a brief glimmer of hope, but it didn't last long. Another big inning in the seventh didn't help matters, as Delgado and poor defense combined to take the Marlins lead from 5-2 to 10-2, but the game was probably realistically over before then. Ender Inciarte drove in Alfredo Marte in the 9th to make it 10-3.

There were a couple bright spots. Ender Inciarte's bunt single to lead off the sixth extended his hitting streak to 17 games. Inciarte, Cliff Pennington, and Mark Trumbo had multiple hits. David Peralta had a hit, which was an encouraging sign. Eury De La Rosa pitched well yet again. But a few bit players doing well can't paper over the gigantic hole that is this season. The fact that Ender Inciarte and Cliff Pennington have been leading the offense of late probably tells everyone far more than they need to know. Both are good players, both have a role to play on this team, but it's safe to say that they won't ever be the 1-2 hitters on a halfway decent offensive team.

However, there was clearly a secret code at work in this game. First, there were three runs scored by the Diamondbacks. Josh Collmenter pitched three good innings. The Marlins used three pitchers. And most of the players used by the Diamondbacks should probably be in a league with three A's. Clearly, this means that we should only pay attention to the innings which were multiples of three. This means that, in true Da Vinci Code fashion, the opposite of what everyone thinks they know is true, and the Diamondbacks actually won this game.

The powers that be, of course, will convince us that something else happened, but all of the above signs were left by the Illuminati for us to decode the puzzle. And we find that in the innings which are multiples of three, the D-backs scored 3 runs on 6 hits, and the Marlins scored no runs on 2 hits, thanks to some great pitching from a shadowy figure who is represented to us as combining the good characteristics of Josh Collmenter and Eury De La Rosa. Thus, the Diamondbacks clearly won, but MLB just doesn't want you to know that.

I award Paulnh COTD for giving a name to Ender's throws.

TOEHLAN

Thrown over everyone’s head like a nincompoop.
Pronounced Toe-Lawn

Josh Collmenter chunks.

by Paulnh on Aug 17, 2014 | 11:31 AM up reply rec (1) flag actions

Next, we get to see how the D-backs perform against the NL East leading Nationals. I'm pretty sure RGIII-Johnny Football might be more entertaining, but there may be more secrets revealed tomorrow night in the code of the baseball game, so tune in anyway.

Bells and whistles, by Jim

20140817_diamondbacks_marlins_0_20140817162133_live_medium
[Click to enlarge, at fangraphs.com]
Scarface: Mark Trumbo, +10.5%
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective: Josh Collmenter, -32.9%

A surprisingly brisk GDT, considering how quickly this one got out of control. Paulnh, JoeCB1991 and xmet let the charge, with others present being: Clefo, Diamondhacks, GuruB, Jim McLennan, Makakilo, Rockkstarr12, SebSwo, SenSurround, SongBird, cheese1213, freeland1787, hotclaws, onedotfive, overkill94DT, preston.salisbury and txzona. I should mention, Preston politely did not award himself Comment of the Day, even though his jaded reaction to base-runners was the only Sedona Red Salmon offering.

We've seen it before

and they will be wasted, somehow.

Doubt they’ll be more wasted than some people on this site, however.

Heath Bell Syndrome is like the Chicken Pox. Even if you get rid of it, it comes back as the Shingles of bullpen failures.
Will buy dinner for the next D-back to convert 10 straight save opportunities.

by preston.salisbury on Aug 17, 2014 | 11:44 AM up reply rec (5) flag actions