The Wild Card: Everything you know is wrong

Jennifer Stewart-US PRESSWIRE

The things you think are good and right and that a majority of people accept as such? They're wrong.

(Ed note: Clefo is taking a sojourn to the Himalayas in order to refresh his chi and come back with more great ideas for Web Content. In his place, The Wild Card will be headed up by Captain Contrarian, an amalgamation of cranky, reactionary, newspaper columnists.)

You're going to hear a lot of whining and kvetching that the Diamondbacks are somehow "Bad" this year, that people will point to their losing record, bad starting pitching, and inconsistent offense.

While those nerds will point to a Win-Loss record that has fewer wins than losses, I think the Diamondbacks are the greatest team since the 1962 Mets. Why? Because as an avid Golfer, I know that high scores are actually bad, and you want the lowest one possible. All sports are interchangeable, but really Golf is heads and shoulders above all. I applaud Kevin Towers for his bold new approach to the game. Moneyball? More like Funnyball. Someone should make a movie about Kevin Towers. Have Alec Baldwin play him, everyone always has and still loves Alec Baldwin.

And let's rap (but not rap music, despite never listening to any I can tell you it's universally terrible. I like all music except rap and country.) about Paul Goldschmidt. More like Paul FoolsGoldschmidt. When is this guy gonna step up and carry the team on his back? He's a schlub and if Kevin Towers had any sense (which he does, as discussed previously) he'll send the Gold to dem dere hills. We need a good, strong, moral, leader in the clubhouse. Like Wally Joyner. Wally Joyner! There was a player. I bet he could still lace up his cleats and give it an old heave-ho. He was a Padre during the 90s so I bet Towers can get him to give it the old college try.

The racing "Legends"? Puh-leeze, if they really wanted to honor the legends of the Diamondbacks, they'd have giant-headed abominations of Russ Ortiz, Richie Sexson, Chad Qualls, and Bernard Gilkey. Those were some ballplayers!

An 18-inch corn dog? Sure, that's fine, if you're a baby. My idea of a 5-foot Taquito will revolutionize stadium cuisine.

You know who the best manager in team history was? Al Pedrique.

Brushing your teeth? Is it really necessary. The British built a world-spanning Empire without doing so. In fact, did you know that 100% of people who have brushed their teeth have died? Look it up sheep-people!

If you recycle anything, I would like to direct you to howtoleaveamerica.com

CBS makes the funniest sitcoms.

You might be thinking "Boy, it's a sad existence to just use the platform you are given to put your finger up to see where the wind is blowing and go the opposite." And I say... Yes, yes it is. When you're one of 7 Billion people on this planet, you can find it hard to have your voice be heard. You work hard to gain this sort of forum, but it's still nothing special. You make that choice one night to go into the deepest, darkest, recesses of your soul and just decide to be this contrarian. Everyone hates you, everyone knows your name, everyone says you're an idiot, a blathering talking head, and that they should pay you no mind, even while giving you attention. And while this ironic attention is nice, is it worth your immortal soul becoming, frankly, garbage?

.............

YEP STILL LOVE IT, COME AT ME HATERZ! RANDY JOHNSON WAS A COMMUNIST.

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