Pit Your Wits Week 6: Sweep Season

Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports

I can't find my cousin's HBO Go's log-in. Who's the Yellow King???

Last week I challenged you to challenge your inner David Chang and create a dish to describe the 2014 Diamondbacks. You can put down the Kewpie mayonnaise now! Here are the winners:

Gold-star_medium

The DBacks Turf and Turf

Now, this one takes some preparation, so plan ahead.

First thing you need to do is get some nice steaks. I’m talking the best you can find. Now, you aren’t just going to throw these things on a grill- you’re gonna dry age them first. Buy several. Be sure to tell people you’ve picked up these great steaks, and how much they should look forward to this. Hunger is the best sauce, so make sure people are starving for what you’re going to serve.

Now, aging steak? Isn’t easy. Sometimes it doesn’t work out. So we gotta be careful. A lot of people disagree on how it’s supposed to be done. But we know best, don’t we? So invite people over, buy plenty of supplies, and fire up your grill.

Make a hamburger. Cook that thing perfectly, load it up with all your favorite toppings, and put it on a plate right next to you.

Take out a steak, toss it on the grill. See how delicious it smells? Gather everyone around and let them enjoy that fantastic aroma. Grill on both sides to your liking and then- oh, no, wait. That steak didn’t quite work out. Crap. Well, there’s no such thing as a steak prospect, right? Why not toss that one to another guest, have them grab you a beer in exchange. Yeah, you’re already holding a beer and you’ve got another one sitting nearby, but hey, you’ve got plenty of steaks, right?

Look at the burger you made. You need a good steak to pair up with it, though, so let’s focus on getting the steak right.

So take another steak, put that on the grill. Okay, this one is looking great. Don’t worry, guys, it’ll turn out perfect. Once it’s done, put it on the plate and cut it open and- aw, crap, is this one too rare? Okay. Okay, just forget it. No point in putting it back on the grill or letting it sit. Call your butcher over, give it to him. He knows how to handle steak, right? Ask him to grab a grill brush for you. Yeah, your tool kit is a little jam packed here, and it really only does one thing, but it’ll help you do what you need to do to compliment that burger, right? Yeah.

Look at your steak plate. Realize you’ve used your best few steaks already. Sort of panic, but keep a calm face. Tell everyone you’re going to pick up the best steak available at the store. Get to the grocery store and realize the kobe beef is out of your price range. Panic more, overpay for a mid-range steak. Take it back home and toss it on the grill. Oh, crap. Maybe you didn’t look at this one too closely. Is it going to be okay?

Look at hamburger forlornly, hoping that some of these steaks will work well enough to support the meal, and worry about the sides you’ve gathered together.

Do not garnish with a nacho slide.

"To manufactured triumph!"

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First

Take A D-Bat dog, admire it from a distance, and SMASH IT WITH A GODDAMN HAMMER TIL IT’S NOTHING BUT MEAT AND BREAD MOLECULES AND TOTALLY INEDIBLE.

Attempt to add some secret special sauce to it, but Kevin Towers keeps you from doing it for some reason. Add Arby’s horsey sauce instead. Blend it with one of those Milkshake things you can get at Circle K now.

Cry over the finished product as you think about your life choices up to this point. You should have been more receptive to Becky’s feelings, man. Drink an entire fifth of cheap bourbon, and eat the finished, tear-soaked product as you watch random episodes of Star Trek: Voyager on Netflix while not wearing pants. You decide to give Becky a call, see how she’s doing. What could go wrong?

weltanschauung

Bronze-star_medium

Today, we're gonna go with a nice win-reduction sauce

Ingredients
90-100 wins
High expectations
Corbin’s UCL
Grit™ (store brands not recommended)
Veterans

Combine all ingredients and bring to a boil. The high expectations will evaporate, leaving behind crushed dreams. Once at a boil, simmer for 10-20 minutes or until the wins have been reduced by half. Best served over a weak pitching staff. Pairs nicely with aged, mediocre wine.

Heres a fun recipe the whle family will enjoy!

(you will need to mix these with a dumpster; I also recommend having a bat or hammer with you)
1 cup of blackmail
2 heaps of useless veterans
1 head of baxter (i recommend that you sacrifice the whole body before adding)
1 cup of the blood filled moon
1 KT
1 can of gasoline
a few matches

+Throw in the blackmail, the head of Baxter, and the blood filled moon and stir at a medium speed.
+Once well blended make sure the KT is incapacitated and throw him in with the useless veterans. If any of them do wake up, make sure to knock them out before anything can be said and done ( hence the bat/hammer).
+Next pour a full tank of gasoline and begin to recite the passage of good luck and light the combination with a match.

In no time you will have a great big dumpster fire that will taste like revenge with a slight spicy pinch of doom.

After 5 weeks the standings look like this:

Name Gold Silver Bronze Total Points
kishi 4 0 0 12
Diamondhacks 2 1 0 8
Clefo 1 1 0 5
imstillhungry95 0 2 0 4
AzRattler 0 0 4 4
Moranall 0 1 1 3
4 Corners Fan 0 1 0 2
Jim McLennan 0 1 0 2
benhat 0 1 0 2
piratedan7 0 1 0 2
blank_38 0 1 0 2
SenSurround 0 1 0 2
Opoohwan 0 1 0 2
Xipooo 0 1 0 2
Fangdango 0 1 0 2
PR151 0 0 1 1
preston.salisbury 0 0 1 1

This week's prompt:

NBC calls. They need another TV show to languish across multiple, moving time slots before being cancelled in season 3 before an emotional climax has been resolved. Write a treatment for a pilot representing this year's Diamondbacks.

Until next week, Rec It, Ralph!

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