The Wild Card: 47 SIGNS YOU ARE A DIE HARD DIAMONDBACKS FAN

Brendon Thorne

You thought you were clicking on a easily digestible and sharable piece of clickbait, what happened next was totally unexpected.

1. You grew up in, or live in, or are generally "from" Arizona, like Baseball, and being able to follow the local team on TV or Radio or in person has inured a sense of passion in the local team.

2. You don't fit the geographic specifications, but you use MLB.tv or something and the same thing happened.

3. You probably own some team apparel of some sort.

4-47. That's pretty much it.

I've spent a lot of time, probably wastefully, musing about the sort of new, easily digestible, internet media (Buzzfeed, etc.) If you spend any time on any sort of popular social media, then it's unavoidable. I just scrolled down my facebook wall to the previous night, and there were about 6 Buzzfeed or otherwise listicles (RANDOM NUMBER Facts/Reasons of something), a bunch of quizzes ("Which 90s Bass Player are you? Robert DeLeo? Man, I'm totally a Les Claypool.), and a couple Upworthy type headlines that seem to have some life-affirming quality, but only if you click the link!

I could bemoan that listicles are the laziest form of journalism, or that sites like that blatantly use images without permission or attribution, or just blatantly steal content ideas from others. I could do that, but I won't. You see, I like the smell and acquisition of money, so I am going to pitch to you right now a revolutionary new way to view this website. I bring to you: AzBuzzPit!

Now, right off the bat (Baseball idiom), you might be saying "Wait, BuzzPit? This ain't no Bee team!" First of all: Double negative usage there, you should watch that (as well as your use of Ain't.) Secondly: That's the point! People would be like "A Diamondbacks blog, but the word Buzz is in it? I gotta check this out!"

Our content would be mostly the same ideas as before, Diamondbacks News and opinion and all that stuff, but it would be presented differently:

32 Reasons The Diamondbacks Beat the Mets 4-1 Today


1. A.J. Pollock had a single off of Zack Wheeler to score a run. ZOMG!

2. Brandon McCarthy pitched 7 innings of 1 Run ball, totes amazeballs!

etc.

Now, we already do numbered lists of things like prospect rankings. These are usually very well researched and thought out and are generally worth your time. No need for that:

Gifs From New Girl That Express Diamondbacks Prospects And Their Rankings

1. Archie Bradley

(Princelookingmystifiedwhileplayingpingpongthativaguelyrecallhappeninginthatepisodeafterthesuperbowl
iwaswaitingforbrooklyn99tocomeon.gif)

2. Braden Shipley

(ZooeyDeschanelDoingSomethingQuirky.gif)


Seems perfect.

And the quizzes! Why try to accept the complex person that you are with hopes, dreams, fears, and whatnots of your own and try to boil it down to some sort of character or person from popular culture?

With our "What member of the 1998 Diamondbacks are you?" quiz, you can tell all your friends what you're really about:

"YOU'RE CLINT SADOWSKY. You may have put up a high ERA and WHIP, and had a pretty mediocre K/BB ratio, and your big league career may have only lasted five seasons with four different teams, but you know what you also have a great ratio of? Friendship, trust, heart."

Then you can post it on your Facebook wall and tell your friends "I dunno about this, I was purposely trying to get Brent Brede. My friend Crystal, though, she's totally a Yamil Benitez."


And now, the Pièce de résistance. Sure, you could have highlights presented normally, with the broadcast sound in it, but what if you were to take said highlights and added some terrible video editing, 90s Hip Hop, and random pop culture references? You'd say "That would be amazing, but it would never happen."

THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE WRONG.

I think we have a winner here in this site concept. Sure, I haven't gotten it approved from Jim, but that's a minor hurdle, especially since Zacksjo the Undying will be our new master soon.

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