FanPost

The trades KT should have made

Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Given that a series about trades that could be made now to completely change the franchise is generating a lot of interest, I thought it might be good to take a humorous look a trades that KT should have made during his time here. I can't guarantee that making these trades would have saved his job (in fact, some of them might have resulted in his being fired sooner) but I can guarantee that making them would have changed the franchise!

1. Cesar Valdez to the Anaheim Ducks for George Parros. (January 2011)

While trading a pitcher straight up to a hockey team might not make much sense, this move instantly injects the KT brand of baseball into the Diamondbacks. Parros was in the middle of leading the NHL in fights during the 2010-2011 season. He could improve the form of the D-backs during bench-clearing brawls, and if he remained with the team through 2013, he could have probably encouraged Eric Hinske to do something worthy of suspension. Also, Charles Nagy would no longer feel compelled to use pitchers as enforcers, as Parros would simply be inserted as a pinch runner for whatever batter was hit, and then he would charge the mound from first base. It would simplify the whole process of retribution.

The Ducks might seem to get the short end of the deal, but since I'm pretty sure they are a fiction created by Disney, I think they'll be fine.

2. Mark Reynolds to the Baltimore Orioles, Andrea Pizziconi to the Colorado Rockies for David Hernandez and Russell Wilson (January 2011)

This trade has KT written all over it. Reynolds had power, sure, but struck out far too much. Plus, he wasn't a middle infielder or a relief pitcher, and those are the most important positions for any team. Hernandez, as a middle reliever with excellent Tommy John potential, was a perfect acquisition. But Russell Wilson fits the team perfectly. He's a middle-infielder, he seems to be a team-first guy, he is frequently credited by the media with all sorts of "intangibles" and he's probably the best middle-infielder to ever win the Super Bowl. KT also throws millions at Wilson to keep him from going back to college, a factor that will come into play later.

3. Kelly Johnson to the Toronto Blue Jays for John McDonald and Rob Ford (August 2011)

Yes, I know Rob Ford doesn't technically play for the Blue Jays, but isn't everything Toronto basically the same? And why trade for one famous Canadian political leader when you can trade for both of them at once? Ford, of course, doesn't play. He works in the front office, where he serves the all-important role of grabbing so many headlines no one notices anything KT does.

4. Collin Cowgill and cash for a complete collection of Johnny Cash recordings (December 2011)

KT loved having trades where cash went both ways. Cowgill was involved in one of those trades. Cowgill seems like he might succeed in Nashville (I don't know whether he has any musical talent, but that hasn't been a requirement for at least 20 years) and the Cash records could probably compile more WAR than Trevor Cahill has the last couple of years.

5. Raywilly Gomez to Philadelphia for the Liberty Bell (does it matter when?)

The Liberty Bell is a perfect KT acquisition. It's old, broken, and famous. It also has a little-known "please trade clause" because it wants to get out of Philadelphia, much like its namesake, the Liberty Bowl. Phoenix is a better destination than Memphis, and so the bell is happy. It proceeds to perform at a higher level than a certain other Bell, actually acquired by KT.

6. Three way trade: Russell Wilson, Jeff Samarzijiahaha and Kirk Gibson to the San Francisco 49ers; Colin Kaepernick and Carlos Marmol to the Diamondbacks; Jim Harbaugh to the Cubs (January 2014)

Wilson, of course didn't pan out as a middle infielder, leaving KT wishing he'd acquired Didi Gregorius instead. And as Kaepernick and Harbaugh both seem to be heading the same direction in San Francisco, this would really work out for them. Kaepernick has a decent chance as a starter. KT knows the D-backs need more bullpen help, so he pulls in the Cubs, who send some receiving help San Francisco's way while also sending Marmol here. Harbaugh is happy because he gets to go back to Chicago, and he can probably have a pretty successful year managing the Cubs. The only team out of luck here is the Seahawks, who claim they drafted Wilson, but they lose out because Marshawn Lynch won't string more than two words together when speaking to reporters, and Roger Goodell doesn't like that.