Pit Your Wits Week 13: Nothin' But Clickbait

Patrick Smith

Channel your inner Skip Bayless this week.

Here are last week's results. Who will be a success? Who will be a box office flop? Well, these people:

First Place - piratedan7 - 6 Recs

In a Dan LaFontaine voiceover

In a division where chaos can erupt at any moment….

(cue Dodgers/DBacks, Dodgers/Padrres, Giants/Padres fight footage)

where there are no rules…..no laws that are being enforced

(cue the 4th strike and ball deflecting off the wall for a catch footage)

There is one man and one law that all must obey

(cue Gerardo Parra throwing out everybody, everywhere, each time the ball leaves his hand there’s a rifle shot sound effect followed by your obligatory explosion visual and sound effect post the umpire’s call)

You Don’t RUN on Gerardo Parra

(cue Martha and the Vandella’s – Nowhere to Run)

I used to be disgusted, now I try to be amused....

Second Place - TimInTucson - 5 Recs

Jurassic BallPark

The Trailer, Scene opens with a Magic Johnson press conference.

“We’ve hired the best scientists, the best programmers, the best security. Nothing can go wrong!”

A voice from the back of the room shouts “But what about Goldzilla?”

“Goldzilla is simply a small sample size myth,” replies Johnson. If you guys want to talk about monsters, what about Yasiel P…..

With an earth shattering roar, a large red and black T-Rex bursts thru the wall and bites Johnson in half. The scene dissolves as screaming reporters run for their lives.

Voice Over “Coming soon, to a theater near you….Jurassic Ballpark!”

Third Place - blank_38, imstillhungry95 - 4 Recs

THIS SUMMER

Kevin Towers and Kirk Gibson are just two men, trying to get CLOSER into understanding, THE CLOSER.

/Ziegler talks with Kirk and Kevin

“But guys, he’s allowed a homer in 5 straight games! He sleeps in the clubhouse all day and only wakes up to pitch because I use this cattle prod the grounds crew found after Bark in the Park.”

/camera shifts to Heath who makes a ‘MOO’ sound

/Kevin and Kirk driving in a car

“So then I said to Zeegs, SURE you can close next game.

/cue laugh track

With Randy Couture as Kirk Gibson
“Oh shut up David, you’ll never close”

Gene Hackman as Kevin Towers
“You want Paul Goldschmidt?… Got any middle infielders?”

and Larry the Cable Guy as Heath Bell
“So if I go warm-up, you’ll give me bacon cake? DONE!”

in FINDING CLOSEЃ

Your constant harassment of the female gender makes me sick.


Chavez Ravine Down

Now you’ve all heard of them: movies where the protagonist is trapped inside a building full of hostages (usually the White House) and through a combination of brute strength, explosions, and good looks has to out-wit the bad guys and save the day. This movie is a twist on that storyline. Now, see what it’s like from the point of view of the terrorists as they plot, execute, and succeed in their plan for WORLDDOMINATION!!!

In the idyllic world of the NL West, also affectionately called by the State-Sponsored Media “The Place Where The Dodgers Deign To Play Baseball”, the Dodgers have just been crowned the NL West Champions about nine months early. But all is not what it seems in this peaceful land. A malignant force, known only as the Diamondbacks, is afoot. Lead by the evil mastermind, Kevin Towers, a team of the best the Dark Side has to offer: the Brains, Patrick Corbin, the Tech Wizard, Geraldo Parra, and the Brawn, Paul Goldschmidt. Watch as they cheat the Dodgers out of their destiny, destiny, I say! and cast the care-free land of the NL West into chaos and ruin…

This comment was probably said originally by Mark Twain... Or Abraham Lincoln. One of the two

Here's who hasn't had Pirellis explode:

imstillhungry95 22
Jim McLennan 18
Diamondhacks 16
Zavada's Moustache 15
piratedan7 10
blank_38 10
soco 9
AJV19 7
SenSurround 6
kishi 6
Dirtdawg90 4
TimInTucson 4
BlackedOutInUT 3
preston.salisbury 3
rd33 2
TylerO 1



This week.

One of the great American pastimes is the sports columnist who writes something very inflammatory and/or dumb that gets people steaming mad and it gets shared on the twitters (Basically anything Mike Lupica has written lately). In some cynical circles, people suggest that these columnists do this on purpose to get pageviews and become relevant, and they don't really believe in what they're writing. Poe's Law probably applies here. SBNation has a feature like this called Troll Tuesday which is worth a read (I recommend the David Brooks-esque New York Jets one.)

Your task this week is to write a headline and a first paragraph outlining the premise of possibly the worst, trolling, Bayless-esque column about the D'Backs that you can imagine. I recommend showering afterwards. Rec the other ones you like and so on. The most recs get 6 PYW points, and they can write their entire column as a fanpost or something.

GO DO IT.

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